Realizing You
by Mrs Muir
Summary: Xander turns to Spike when his home life falls apart and in a moment of desperate loneliness they cross the boundaries of friendship. Together and apart they travel a rocky path to manhood and to the truth of their hearts.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The sound of a limb breaking on the tree outside his window, followed by a too loud curse, shook the last of the grogginess from Spike.  A tapping on the window brought him to a sitting position.  He glanced at the clock on his bedside nightstand.  It was a little after two in the morning.

"Come on, Spike, open up."

It was Xander, his best friend, which was enough to rouse Spike from his warm bed.  The howling wind outside brought an icy draft to the wooden floor of his second floor bedroom.  He danced from one foot to the other as he hurried to the window.  Goose bumps rippled over his flesh as he pulled on the handles to lift the window.  The chilly November night wrapped around him, making Spike wish he was wearing more than flannel sleep pants.

"What the bloody hell are you doing here?"  Spike asked.  Despite his grouchy tone, he grabbed Xander's arm to help him climb into the room.  As soon as Xander was clear, Spike slammed the sash down.  He tucked his hands under his armpits hoping to warm them.

"I didn't know where else to go," Xander replied, sitting on the edge of Spike's double bed.  "My father was on a big drunk tonight. We fought."

"Shit, man."  Nothing else needed to be said.  Life had never been easy on Xander.  Not with an alcoholic father and a mother who wouldn't stand up for herself or her child.  There were always fights between his parents, sometimes ending up in physical violence against either Mrs. Harris or Xander when he tried to protect a mother not worth protecting in Spike's opinion. 

Every time it happened, Spike felt blessed, because the home life between the two lads was so different.  Although his father had died when Spike was young, his mother loved him and was his greatest champion.  Never in his life had he needed to question if he was loved or had to fear for his physical wellbeing.

Unfortunately, it was something Xander dealt with every day.  Only when he fantasized of another life or when he was with Spike and their small circle of friends did he feel happy and safe. 

Spike hurried over to turn the lamp on.  When he turned around, he wished he hadn't.   By the bruises and blood marring Xander's features the fight had to have been really ugly.  Xander hung his head, turning away as if to hide from Spike's gawking.  Something hurt deep inside Spike and, fueled with a blind rage, left him with a desire to murder the man who had hurt Xander.  Spike rushed to the bathroom across the hall to get a washcloth.  After soaking it in warm water, he returned to his bedroom.

"Here," Spike said, kneeling before his friend.  He gently cupped Xander's face, turning it upwards to see what the exact damage was to his friend's face.  "Did he hit you anywhere else?"

Xander laughed caustically.  "Not really.  A few kicks to the ribs when I tripped.  I think some of my hair is missing from where he yanked it so he could punch me again."  He closed his eyes, choking back a sob.

Spike wanted to tell his friend so many things to comfort him, but none of them was the truth.  It would happen again. Mr. Harris was the lowest kind of asshole alive and he meant every cruelty he imposed on his family.  With any luck, Xander would live through it.  He would be free from it all if he could make it through until he graduated from high school and turned eighteen.

Hopefully.

With nothing else to say now, Spike started to clean the blood from Xander's face.  He tried to be careful around the bruising, not wanting Xander to suffer any more pain. The swelling from the black eye would need ice.  Without realizing it, Spike was combing his fingers through the thick curly hair of his friend.  Soft caresses that a mother or lover would give for comfort. 

"Can I stay here tonight?"   Xander asked, leaning into Spike's palm. 

No hesitation. "Yeah."

An overwhelming need to protect filled Spike.  He leaned back to sit on his haunches, searching carefully for an answer to the confusing emotions he was experiencing.  They'd been friends for years, along with Willow and Buffy.  The four misfits banded together to form their own clique.  Nobody bothered them with not with only himself but also with Buffy ready to defend their names with their fighting natures. 

They'd shared their first kisses with the girls, before they'd all moved on to boyfriends and girlfriends who'd moved in and out of their circle.  Double dates, running away for the weekend with the "I'm over there" lie to protect them, getting into trouble and all of them waiting for the moment they could leave for college so they could make their mark on the world.

Family.  That's what they were, Spike reassured himself.  It was okay to be concerned and protective over a brother. 

He stood.  "Let me get some ice."

Xander grabbed his hand.  "I'm scared.  Really scared.  My father said some really mean things.  He kicked me out…I don't have anywhere to go."

Spike wanted to run.  This was too much.  Maybe his mother could help.  He started to tug away but the tears on Xander's face made him stay.  Sinking to his knees again, he followed his instincts and pulled his friend into his arms.

"You've got me and the girls," Spike whispered fiercely.  "You can stay here.  My mum won't care.  She likes your dumb ass for some reason."

Xander giggled, but kept his face buried in Spike's neck.  "I like your mum, too.  Always wished she was my mother…except that would…"

"Except it would what?"  Spike asked when Xander trailed off into a silence punctuated by the rigid form of his friend pulling away.  He watched as Xander stood to pace the length of the floor.  A floppy brown curl hung over Xander's left eye, obscuring the bruised swelling, while he stared at the junk littering Spike's desk.

"Nothing.  It's nothing."

Suspicion broke through everything else in his overloaded senses.  "What was the fight about tonight?"

Xander shrugged, refusing to look at him.

"You know you can tell me anything.  So, fess up to old Spike."

"I'd better leave."

Spike blocked the window.  He noted the butterflies in his stomach, the pounding of his heart, and the sudden tension between them.  He wouldn't allow his mind to formulate the answer, too scared of the answer.

"No, you're not leaving."

"Why?"

"Because I want to know what the hell was bad enough for your Da to beat you up like this and for you not to explain it to me."

"I can't," Xander mumbled.  "I'll lose everything."

"You won't lose me."  Spike reassured him, somehow he found himself stepping closer to Xander, pulling him into another hug.  It was safe there.  The world wasn't going to change.  They would be friends forever and Xander would never have to be alone again.  There was no hug back.  Just the rigidness his friend still maintained.  He felt like an idiot, but he wouldn't let go.  "Don't do this," he confessed.  "Everything will change if you go…I can feel it in my bones."

Xander leaned back.  "It's going to change anyway."  This time he cradled Spike's face in his warm hands.  "If it is then I want this just once."  He lowered his head, pressing his lips to Spike's.

No indignant surprise swept through Spike.  Only a soft uttered sigh before he let the cloud of confusion leave him with a moment of clarity so striking it may have been noon in the desert.  He could feel Xander pulling back.  He ran his fingers through soft tangled hair, interlacing them at the nape of Xander's neck so he wouldn't end this so soon. 

All the kissing he'd done with Buffy and other girls hadn't prepared him for this situation.  Did guys kiss the same as girls?  Who should be taking the lead?  Oh god, what if this led to sex?  His cock hardened at the mere thought of Xander naked in his bed.  He didn't know why this time it was different.  They'd shared camping trips, a fort they'd built when they were eleven, locker room time, and the double bed only a few feet from them, but never before had his body reacted to Xander like this hot, melting feeling invading his bones.

The ramrod straightness of Xander's body made Spike realize the man in his arm's felt as hesitant as he did.  They stood wrapped around each other, lips touching but neither was moving.  Forcing himself to relax, Spike leaned against Xander, opening his mouth to let his tongue follow the lines of his lips.  When Xander moved his hands to Spike's naked waist, it made him shiver, and jump a bit in response. Spike had forgotten his partial nudity until this moment when his erection was so hard he thought he'd burst with no further stimulation.

The tip of Xander's tongue touched his, experimenting by letting them slide against one another.  The heat of their mouths burned compared to the chilly air of the winter night drifting through the cracks of the old house.  Sensations rapidly layered against one another in a haze of pleasure.  Spike forgot all of his questions about what they were doing and followed the screams of his horny teenage body. 

He wrapped his tongue around that of his friend, and then traced the path of Xander's teeth before pulling back just enough to capture the bottom lip.  He gently bit down, but not gentle enough for lips already spilt.  Xander yelped, backing away with a laugh.  He ran his fingers through his hair.

"Sorry," Spike said, staring somewhere over Xander's shoulder. 

Everything was different between them, leaving Spike once more in a mire of indecision.  Was the kiss what Xander wanted?  Was his best friend using him to try to feel loved in a hateful world?  Would he think Spike was a pervert from his response?  What if he didn't want to be friends anymore? Would he be alone after all?

"Don't be," Xander whispered, running the tip of his index finger over his bottom lip.  "Spike…please don't say you were only doing it because you felt sorry for me?"

Spike grabbed Xander's hand, pressing it to his still raging hard on.  "Does that feel like pity?"

The relief on Xander's face reassured Spike's own fears and the soft pressure of Xander's hand reassured Spike.  Whatever was happening, they were in it together.

"Now what?"  Xander asked.

"Be right back," Spike said, needing to breathe for a second.  Just a little space to calm himself.  He took the stairs two at a time. It was dark downstairs, but he didn't bother to turn on any of the lights.  Only Xander occupied his mind as he grabbed a kitchen towel from the drawer where they'd been as long as he could remember, just like the boy upstairs had been around his whole life.  Both represented stability, but it wasn't…not anymore.   

_Bloody hell, I kissed Xander…he kissed me.  Am I gay?  _

He rubbed a hand over his face.  It was too much to think about.  All he would allow his mind and body to accept was that he loved Xander.  They were best mates, family, and now something more.  It felt right.  Good even.  Spike smiled.  Yeah, this was a good thing.

Whistling, he wrapped ice in the towels before running back to his room.  He hesitated in the door, watching Xander lying on his back on the edge of his bed.  Sometime while Spike was gone, he'd kicked his shoes off but was still dressed in his jeans and sweatshirt. 

"Hey," Xander said.

"Yeah, brought ice," Spike responded, sitting on the bed.  He held the bundles out. 

"Thanks…for everything."

They remained in silence for a few minutes.  Spike played with a loose thread on his blanket.  It was awkward.  Uncomfortable.  It shouldn't be like that, not between them.  He shifted position until he was sliding under the covers. 

"Get comfortable, so we can get some sleep."

Without shame, Spike watched Xander stand, pull his jeans and sweatshirt off.  Clad only in boxers, the brunette came back to the bed, slipping under the blanket Spike held up for him.  Once covered, Spike moved to Xander's side, helping to adjust the ice to do the most good.  He bent over to place soft kisses against the bruises covering Xander's chest. 

"Thought we were going to sleep?"

Embarrassed at doing what had felt so natural, Spike rolled over and turned the light off.  He stayed on his side, facing away from his friend.  A sigh from Xander only made Spike stiffen.  Did he imagine the whole kiss?  No, he could still taste Xander on his lips.  A hand settled on his hip.

"Come back," Xander pleaded.  "I didn't mean for you…I'm not sure I'm ready for the next step." He laughed.  "I'm not even sure this isn't a dream."

"It's not," Spike said, rolling back over to cuddle close to the warm body next to him.  "I'm all confused, too.  I just know I want to be close to you."

"Me too."

Smiling to himself, Spike relaxed.  Realizing Xander was his world may be a rough choice for a while, but they'd survived everything else and they would survive this, too.

_to be continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The bright light of morning made the events of the night before seem to be nothing more than a wonderful dream.  If Xander wasn't here in his house, showering in his bathroom, it could have been a figment of his sleeping self.  Spike smiled as he remembered lying spooned against the warm body of his friend.

For Spike nothing in his world would ever be the same.  Everything had changed the moment Xander had rapped on his window, like a bright light shone in a dark room he'd never explored.  Now that he'd peeked into the warmth of that very place, he was eager to see more.  Knowing Xander would be there beside him made it even more welcoming.

Spike was aware of his friend in a heightened way, making him flushed with desire.  Anticipation of Xander coming from the bathroom wrapped in a towel was giving him a hard on, yet he felt awkward and unsure of what to say or do.  He didn't want to be caught lying there as if he was waiting, so he jumped to his feet.

Hurrying downstairs, he shrugged into a black cable knit sweater on the way.  He wasn't ready to see Xander again.  It was awkward, too new and he needed a few minutes to decide how to treat the night before.  To decide if he even wanted things to change between them.  If he wanted to risk his entire life on a feeling that may not be more than compassion driven lust.  And the biggest question of all was if he was ready to tell anyone what had occurred. 

"Hello dear," Anne, Spike's mother, said as he stepped into the kitchen. 

She was standing at the stove preparing his breakfast like she did every morning.  He paused, letting the tranquil scene slow the racing questions in his mind.  Feeling the need for a connection to what he knew and understood as stable, Spike practically sprinted across the room to embrace her.  This was life, his life, it was security and happiness, sighing he buried his face in her shoulder with his arms tight around her.

"I love you, mum," he whispered.

"I love you too," Anne laughed.  "Everything all right?"

"Yeah," Spike stepped back, suddenly feeling foolish at his emotional display.  He grinned hoping to dispel the inquiry in his mother's eyes.  "Xander's here," he added, grabbing a slice of bacon off the plate beside the stove.  He took a bite as his stomach growled.

"Oh," Anne said without emotion.  It her usual reply when Xander sought refuge at their house.  This time she nodded absently as if she was reminding herself why Xander came to them in the middle of the night.  Turning back to her stove, she reached for the carton of eggs.  "I'll cook some more food.

Sitting at the table, Spike watched his mother do something she'd done almost every morning as far back as he could remember.  Upon his father's death they were lucky to have been left enough money so that Anne could stay at home.  She'd never worked a day in her life.  It was great for Spike, but sometimes he wondered about her.  Where would she be when he left for college? 

He lifted his head when his mother slid a plate in front of him.  "Thanks."

"You're welcome.  How is Xander?  He must have come in awfully late?"

"Yeah, he did."  Spike hesitated.  It wouldn't do any good to hope for an offer of protection for Xander so he didn't bother to explain further.  No one questioned Mr. Harris or what he did to his son.  It didn't matter how many times Xander stayed at his friends houses or went to school with bruises.  Therefore, instead of even trying, Spike picked up his fork and started to eat.  Not for the first time, he wondered why the adults in their lives never tried to protect Xander. 

"Morning," the object of his thoughts said from the doorway.  "Hi Mrs. Nagle, something smells good."

Anne giggled.  "Good morning.  I'm fixing you a plate of bacon and eggs.  Take a seat at the table."

Like dozens of times before, Xander slid into the chair across from Spike. Anne added another plate to the table before she went about cleaning up.  Xander reached for the salt while his tongue darted out of his mouth in joyful expectation of real cooking.   Xander grabbed his fork with his free hand, never looking up as he went through his ritual.  Spike was transfixed, ignoring everything else until Xander shifted in his seat.  Their knees met under the small bistro table.  Xander ignored it as he dug into his food.

Spike swallowed back his emotions as a new sensation was added to the routine.  A charge darted through him and his heart beat faster as everything he once accepted as his reality turned upside down.

"Angel can be such a jerk," Buffy proclaimed for about the tenth time in the last ten minutes.  A phone conversation between her and the current object of her affections was the center of her morning as she chattered unceasing since they'd left her house.  "I can't believe he is telling me that I'm better off without him.  God, I am, but I still can't…"

"You won't be happy until you conquer him," Xander said.  "Then you won't care anymore.  Pattern, Summers, pattern."

Spike looked into the rearview mirror at Xander and then to Willow who rolled her eyes without commenting.  It was true.  Buffy liked the chase and conquest before moving on to someone new.  None of them faulted her for it.  Desertion by her father left her lacking in self-esteem with the opposite sex.  No one said anything.  They wouldn't until Buffy was in danger of being seriously hurt by some said jerk.  Then Spike wouldn't hesitate to reeducate the jerk in his attitude toward Buffy.

Pulling into a space in the school parking lot, Spike directed his attention to turning his car off and gathering his book bag on the seat next to him.  Buffy was already out of the car, holding the seat forward for Willow to climb out when he felt a hand on his shoulder.  He glanced back to Xander who was waiting for him.

"Thanks, Spike…for everything," was all Xander said, but the caressing fingers on his shoulder and neck told a different story. 

Spike nodded.  After school, they could explore this new relationship a little more.  He just had to wait out the day.

The crackling of the speaker made the class look up from their algebra problems.  Xander felt immediate relief at the break from doing equations that made no sense to him.  He leaned back in his chair, letting his mind drift to the boy who he'd secretly loved for years.  A smile blossomed across his face, softening his mask as he thought of the kiss they'd shared.

"Mrs. Danvers," a voice from the front office broke into the silence.  "Would you please send Alexander Harris to the front office?  His father is here to sign him out of school."

Any good feelings he was experience disappeared at the request.  Immediately his stomach turned, threatening to revolt as he automatically closed his book and reached for his backpack.  He wanted to pray, but knew it wasn't of any use.  God hadn't saved him in all the times he'd screamed for help.  Why would now be any different? There was no respite from his father's control. 

Ashamed of the tears filling his eyes, Xander shuffled from the classroom.  Once out in the hall, he wiped any wetness from his cheeks.  His father would consider them a weakness, a sure sign his son was more womanly than a man's man like him. 

Tony Harris was standing in the hall waiting for his son with no visible expression on his face.  It was only when Xander was only a few feet away did he feel the anger radiating from his father.  He looked around, hoping for a miracle that would prevent him from having to go with the man who'd given him life but very little else. 

"Let's go," Tony said, turning to walk out of the building without waiting for his son. 

Xander didn't hesitate.  Hesitation would only add fuel to whatever fire was brewing.  He did stay one step behind and slightly to the left of his father's reach.  Not that Tony would do anything in public.  The abuse was always behind closed doors. 

As was typical nothing was said on the ride home.  Xander played with the straps of his backpack as it lay across his lap.  He wondered if Spike would come looking for him or he would think that Xander just stood him up.  The only good thing in his life was beyond his reach and he should have known better than to even try to reach for it.

Pulling into the driveway of home, Xander could feel the fear twisting his bowels.  His mouth was dry and he swallowed trying to bring some sort of moisture to the parched inside.  Never looking up he walked into the house ahead of his father and then waited in the living room for instructions.  After the night before he didn't have a clue what his father was thinking or where he stood in the household.

The front door was softly shut before Tony finally turned to him.   "It seems your mother doesn't want me to kick you out.  She whined about you being our only son."  He laughed. 

"It's okay if you don't want me here," Xander said, hoping that his father would agree.  Any place was better than home, especially if it was Spike's house.  That would be the best.  "I can stay with friends."

"Yeah, bet you would like that, wouldn't you?"  Tony said, moving to stand toe-to-toe with his son.  "Get out there to show off how queer you are, but guess what?"  He jerked a thumb into his chest.  "You're not to do that to me.  I'm respected, worked hard for that and you're not to ruin it."

"Dad, I'm not trying to do anything…"

"Shut up, boy.  I'm talking and you're to listen.  That clear?"

Unable to stop the tremble in his body, Xander pushed his shoulders back, hoping his father wouldn't notice.  Tony was just getting started.  If this kept up, then it would end with another beating.  He tried to compose his face into a mask of obedience while looking down at his feet.  "Yes sir," he replied.

"Being the man I am, I gave in to your mother.  You're going to keep living here, but you're moving to the basement.  Take all your shit down there tonight.  Understand?"

"That's fine," Xander said, relieved at the conditions.  It was something he could live with and he would actually have more privacy down there then he did being in the bedroom next to his parents.  "I mean 'yes sir'", he added before he got in trouble for being disrespectful.

"One more thing…"

Of course there was, Xander couldn't get off that easily.  He closed his eyes briefly waiting for the axe to fall.  His father sounded too happy for it to be anything that would be good for Xander.  He poked his finger into Xander's chest, sharp enough to make the bruises sting.  He looked up into his father's smiling face.

"No more hanging out with those friends of yours.  Not one of them is worth much."

"Dad, they're my friends.   We've known each other all our lives…"

"Shut up," Tony shouted.  "It's that punk you hang out with isn't it?  He's filled your mind with a bunch of homo talk, twisting things until you can't even think for yourself?"

"No sir," Xander said, while his shoulders dropped in defeat.  He should just shut up and let his father win, but something inside him made him stand up for the boy he loved. "Spike hasn't done anything like that."

"Bullshit.  No son of mine is a queer boy.  It's cuz he seduced you, isn't it? Is that what's got you believing you like it up the ass?"

"No, he hasn't.  Dad, I've never been with anyone, much less Spike," Xander said, forcing a small laugh he hoped would diffuse the situation.

"You telling me you never got any?  No wonder you're all messed up," Tony said.  "That's why you're all thinking you need some man in your bed."  He leaned close to his son.  The alcohol on his breath drifted across Xander's face making his stomach turn.  "Now, don't tell your mother, but I'll take you this weekend down to a man's place.  See if we can get one of those women to let you know what you've been missing.  Once you get a little pussy, you won't even be thinking about fudge packing."

Obviously pleased with what he considered the solution to everything, Tony patted Xander on the back.  As his father walked away, Xander couldn't think of anything to say to change his mind.  He covered his mouth with his hand as he raced to the bathroom.  Once again he wondered what he'd ever done to deserve this hell as he threw up his lunch. 

_to be continued…_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Spike shuffled his feet as he waited for the others by his car.  After tossing his backpack into the front seat, he reached for the cigarettes in his coat pocket.  Maybe a shot of nicotine would bring his nerves back to a manageable level.  Rarely in his life did he allow himself to feel this much emotion.  Well, not since Cecily dissed him in front of everyone at the freshman dance.  That was the same night he met Drusilla, changed his name to Spike, and lost his virginity along with his willingness to wear his heart on his sleeve.

Maybe he wanted to for Xander, but he wasn't ready to yet.  In the harsh light of day and after returning to the reality of his life at school, the previous night was more of a dream. He kept trying to tell himself it was a sex thing and that their friendship was the cause of the affection he feeling. 

It had to be because he wasn't gay.  Girls were his thing.  No other boy had caught his eye or his dick's attention.  Only Xander.  Maybe it was horniness.  It had been a while since he'd gotten laid.  Closing his eyes, he leaned back on his car, taking a deep drag on his cigarette as he realized he'd been trying to rationalize away the yearning he felt.  Acceptance, if possible, would come by spending more time with Xander and exploring the new feelings.  Pleasure spread through him as he fantasized about doing just that.

"Hey Spikey," Buffy's voice broke into his thoughts making him open his eyes. 

"Hello Slayer," Spike said, referring to Buffy by his nickname for her.  A reference to all the hearts she broke without any real malice.  She was just too cute for words, and once he wanted to love her, but it didn't last beyond one hot make out session.  Their friendship was too important to him to be the one to take her virginity.  That he would leave to someone who she could really love.  "Where's the other two?" 

"Willow went to pick up Xander's homework," Buffy said, leaning on the car beside him.  "Mr. Harris came to pick him up during fourth period."

"Ah, shit."

"Yeah, Xan said he spent last night with you."  Buffy held her books against her body like a shield.  She turned a concerned gaze to him.  "Was it bad?"

"A beating," Spike said, staring at the ground.  He dropped his cigarette, grinding it out with his shoe.  "The usual."

"I'd love to beat the shit out of that bastard."

Spike laughed.  "Yeah right, do you really think a little thing like you could do damage to Mr. Harris."

"I'd sneak up on him from the back with a baseball bat and just lay him out with a blow to the head.  Then I'd tie him up and just whale on him for awhile."

She was serious.  There wasn't any laughter in her voice.  Actually, it trembled with the emotions behind her words.  Spike threw his arm around her shoulders, tugging her closer.  He kissed her cheek.  "Wish I could too."

"Wish you could what?"  Willow asked, as she rounded the back of the car. 

"Turn Mr. Harris into a bloody pulp," Buffy answered. 

"Whoa," Willow said, stopping beside Spike.  "What happened?"

"Nothing new," Spike said.  "Same shit different day."  He opened his car door.  "Ready to ride, ladies?"

"Can we stop by Xander's so I can give him his homework?" Willow asked, slipping by Spike to crawl into the backseat. 

"Thank you," Spike muttered, plopping into the driver's seat.  He turned the ignition on as Buffy got into the front seat beside him.

"For what?"  Buffy asked.

"Nothing pet," Spike said, reaching over to tug on her hair.  "Well, maybe for the company of two such hot girls."

Buffy rolled her eyes and Willow giggled while Spike felt relief.  They didn't suspect that he was grateful for the excuse to check on Xander without having to be the one to initiate it.  No matter how close to or how much he trusted the girls; he wasn't ready to spill the beans on the new relationship with the fourth member of their group.  Right now, he was only concerned about finding out how Xander was doing and God help that asshole of a father if Xander wasn't all right.

Something was up.  Buffy could feel it.  It wasn't that Xander was in trouble again, or that they were checking up on him. It was Spike.  Since he'd become Spike neither one was an obvious thing as he usually hid his emotions pretty well, but now he was trailing behind her and Willow, and fidgeting with his coat.  She just wasn't sure what it was, but she vowed she was going to find out what was up, but it had to wait.

"Ready?"  She asked her companions, waiting for their nods before plastering on a smile.  The dumb blonde cheerleader one she wore when she needed to get on a guy's better side.  She rang the doorbell.  "Let's hope he's in a better mood."  She didn't bother to explain who 'he' was because Will and Spike already knew and were probably praying the same thing.

"What do you kids want?"  Mr. Harris barked when he finally opened the door on the second ring.  He briefly glanced at the girls, but focused his glare on Spike. 

Another clue.  _What the hell had Spike done now?_ Buffy thought as she forced herself to giggle.  "We just wanted to bring Xander his homework since he missed his last two classes."  She batted her eyes once she knew Mr. Harris was looking at her.  "Don't want him to get behind or anything."

Mr. Harris held his hand out.  "Give it to me.  I don't want Xander hanging around with you three anymore." He glanced at Willow then back at Buffy.  "Don't understand why you girls would want to hang out with someone like him."  The glare returned to Spike who was staring at a bush at the side of the steps.  Mr. Harris laughed.  "Figured you would prefer real men, not pansies."

Buffy blinked, turning to study Spike.  What was Mr. Harris talking about?  Spike was still studying the foliage, but, after the last comment, was turning bright red.  She looked at Willow, who shrugged, then back to the sneer on Mr. Harris's face.

_Bingo, _was her first thought as she figured it out, and then _ah shit,_ was the second. 

"Oh, oh," Willow said, as the light came on for her too.

"I think you all need to get out of here," Mr. Harris said.  "Like I said, give me the homework and I'll make sure Xander gets it."

The hand was out again.  _Think Buffy think_, but it was overwhelming as thoughts and emotions raced through her.  She watched as Willow fumbled with her folder to get the homework.  Something snapped when the papers appeared.  She snatched them from Willow to hand to Mr. Harris herself. 

"Will you tell Xander that _I_ brought it to him?"  Buffy asked as Mr. Harris took the papers from her hand.  She looked up at him through her eyelashes.  "Please?" She turned on her unsure and shy girl act.  "I hope you'll change your mind about me seeing Xander again.  I mean us," she giggled.  "I've been trying real hard to find ways to, even using the group thing, to well," another giggle and shy look, "spend time with Alex lately.  He's just…," she fanned her face as she took in the astonished, confused look on Mr. Harris's face.  "Since the start of senior year he's just gotten so manly," she gushed.

Mr. Harris stared at her for a moment, and then started a long leisurely look at her starting at her bare legs beneath her coat.  He lingered at her cleavage before looking in her eyes.  Buffy knew her friends were confused by their gaping expressions.  She just hoped they kept their mouths shut until they were out of there. 

"Well, I might allow you to see my boy," Mr. Harris said, glancing at Buffy's cleavage again.  "With some persuasion.  I'll tell him you brought his homework by and have him call you.  Maybe you can come back later, without your friends, and have a study date with Xander."  He winked.  "You know…learn something with a real man."

Buffy wanted to kick him between his legs.  Never before had she felt so dirty.   Mr. Harris always stared at her and Willow when they visited, but until today, he hadn't crossed the line into being a pervert.  Spike was stiffening beside her and Willow was backing away.  It was about to become ugly, real fast, if she didn't do something.

"I'd love to spend some time with _Xander_," Buffy said, but she couldn't force herself to be all girly anymore.  "Have him call me.  He's got my cell.  Thanks, Mr. Harris."

She stepped back, corralling her friends so they could leave. 

"I'll be sure to do that, Buffy."  Mr. Harris was laughing as he shut the front door behind him. 

They didn't say a word until they were in the safety of Spike's car. 

"That rotten son of a bitch," Spike swore, hitting the steering wheel of his car.  "I ought to…"

"No Spike," Buffy said, grabbing his arm.  She sighed.  "Even if I agree with you, that's not the way to handle it." 

"Oh, the better solution is to fuck that sleazy bastard," Spike said, starting the car.  "Yeah, that's the thing to do, be the sacrificial lamb and whore it up for that drunken piece of shit."

"I'd slap you if you weren't my ride home," Buffy retorted, turning away before he could see how hurt she was by his remark.  It was easier to deal with his problems then her own so she forced her pain to the side.  "Don't talk to me like that because you're all frustrated."

 "Sorry pet," Spike said.  He pulled out into the street, heading toward Willow's house.  "Really," he added when Buffy didn't say anything.

"Accepted," Buffy said, after a few moments.  "You going to tell us what the deal is with you and Xander?"

"Nothing to tell," Spike shrugged. 

Too abbreviated.  Spike was lying.  It was way obvious, and a glance at Willow let Buffy know her friend had the same hunch. 

"You know you can tell us anything," Willow said.  "We love you guys.  No matter what."

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Hey," Buffy said.  "I just flirted with scum to try to help you, and you're going to go all secrety on me.  So not fair.  It's not like we don't know anyway.

"Nothing to know," Spike was getting pissed.  His mouth was becoming a thin line and his hands clenched on the steering wheel. 

"Only that you and Xander have gone Ted and Emmett…yeah, that's nothing."

Buffy couldn't help prodding Spike with a reference to one of her favorite shows, _Queer as Folk_.  Where the characters of Ted and Emmett, two lifelong friends, became lovers was the perfect comparison in her mind.  She could be a Daphne to them.  And Willow too, of course.  Maybe this wasn't a bad thing to happen.  If only Mr. Harris wasn't in the way.

"Stop it, Buffy…now," Spike said.  "This isn't going to end all happily ever after.  Be more like the ending to that prom scene you're always swooning over, and I don't fancy a bat to the head." 

"Aha," Buffy said, sitting up.  "You two are..."

"Are nothing," Spike declared, pulling over to the side of the road in front of Willow's house.  "It's just some stupid idea that Mr. Harris got when he decided Xander wasn't _manly enough_."

"Then why are you acting the way you are?"  Willow asked, gathering up her stuff as Buffy got out of the car.

"It's bloody embarrassing," Spike growled.

"Fine whatever," Buffy reached back into the car to get her pile of books.  If Spike wanted to act like an idiot then let him.  She wasn't going to beg for information.  No matter how badly she wanted to know the truth.  Holding the seat forward, she let Willow get out before she slammed the car door.  "I'll stay at Will's and call my mom to pick me up," she informed Spike through the open window.  She leaned down on the door when she saw Spike blinking his eyes as if he was trying to stop from crying.  Why wouldn't he let them in? 

"Spike, we do love you," Buffy said, in a gentle tone.  "And Xander.  Nothing will ever change that.  We're on your side."

Spike leaned his head forward with his eyes closed.  "I know.  Just not ready to talk yet.  Not sure myself."

Willow crowded beside Buffy.  "Do you wanna hang out for awhile?  It'll just be us." She crossed her chest with her forefinger.  "We promise not to pry.  We can just watch a movie or something."

"Come on, Spike.  Do you really want to be alone?"

"Okay, okay," Spike turned off the car.  "Just as long as it s'not Brokeback Mountain."  He climbed out to join the girls on the sidewalk. 

"How about _The Fast and the Furious_ again?"  Buffy suggested one of his favorite movies.  "Hot cars and girls?"

"And guys," Willow giggled.

Spike groaned while Buffy laughed.  Maybe the truth would come out sooner than later since Spike was staying.  He just needed to know that nothing was going to change between them.  She was going to prove to him that the four of them were family for always, no matter what Mr. Harris or anyone else tried to do to change things.  The four of them were meant to be.   They just had to be.

_to__ be continued…_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The cell phone rang, startling them as they lay on the couch.  A movie was playing but none of them were watching.  It was totally forgotten about as they stared at the instrument lying on her coffee table.  Another loud trill danced in the air.  Buffy froze, scared of who it might be.   And worst of all of who she wanted it to be.

"It's Xander's house," Willow said, leaning over to read the display.  "Answer it."

"What if it's Mr. Harris?" Buffy asked, delaying the moment so she could register the disappointment that it wasn't someone else and curtail the nervousness of what she'd set into motion earlier.

"You'll hang up," Spike said, opening the phone so Buffy didn't have a choice.  "Take it," he mouthed, handing it to her.

"Hello," Buffy answered, turning away from her friends.  The whole situation was taking on a surreal aspect which was leaving her unsure.  She wanted it to be Angel calling her, not Xander, not a pretend relationship for her friends.  Closing her eyes, and calling on whoever would listen, she asked for strength.  "Hello," she questioned when there wasn't a reply to her first inquiry.

"Buffy?"

"Hey Xander."

"You…you," he cleared his throat before giving a nervous chuckle.  "You told my father that you wanted me to call…_to set up a study date?"_

"Hey, I can't help it you're a stud muffin."  Buffy tried to project as much sarcastic teasing into the words as possible

"Yeah whatever," Xander's voice came through as much more relaxed.  "Seriously, what's up?"

"Free to speak?"

"It would be great to see you," Xander said.

Buffy sighed.  Mr. Harris had to be hovering to make sure his son went through with setting up the date.  "Are you free after dinner? I could come over and we could study."

"Tell her you want to go over some French lessons," Mr. Harris said in the background.  "Go on…"

"Dad stop, please, she wants to come over after dinner."

"Don't make her wait…tell her to come on."

"I heard Xan," Buffy said.  "I'll be there around seven.  We'll talk.  Unless he wants to watch us make out or something."

"Don't need any help with that, Buffy.  I'll see you later."

With that Xander hung up.  She stared down at her phone for a moment before clicking it shut.  This whole day wasn't surreal, it was down right weird.

"You okay, lamb?" Spike asked, slipping his arms around her from behind.  He buried his face in her shoulder.  "I'm sorry you got in the middle of this.  You don't have to do this, you know?  I'll understand."

"No," Buffy declared, turning in his arms so she could see him.  There was so much confusion in his eyes that it hurt.  "I want to do this.  You're my friend, so is Xander, and I want you two to be happy."

Spike's hands slid to her shoulders.  "Promise me something?"

"What?"

"If at any point you're scared, get the hell out of there," Spike said.  "Scream, kick, do what you have to do, but get out."

Buffy laughed.  "You sound like my mother before I go on a date. I'll be fine.  Xander may take his father's crap, but I believe in him enough to know that he wouldn't let his father do anything to me.  Okay?"

"Yeah," Spike said, shaking his head.  "I know. It's just everything has changed."

Willow stood to join them.  "It's like falling through the rabbit hole."  She hugged them and the three stood in the comfort of each other's arms.  

"Maybe everything's changed, but it will be for the better," Willow continued.  "It's us, so it's got to turn out all right."

"Our optimist," Buffy said.  She leaned further into their embrace, not wanting them to read anything on her face.  She didn't believe in happy endings.  Not anymore.  She hoped for the best for Spike and Xander, but it wouldn't come easily.  Real love didn't.  Knowing that maybe they would be the only ones who would ever understand, Buffy didn't stop the sob that came from deep within her. 

The doorbell rang.  It broke through the tangled, angry, hurt emotions that hung thick in the living room.  Xander was scared.  His father was involved with another fantasy of his own making.  Like the job that would solve all their problems, the promises to stop drinking, and the lies he told to his mother to keep her under his foot.  Xander never believed any of them, but his father did or wanted to believe them so when they went bust as always, it was Xander or his mother who paid for reality bursting the elusive bubble. 

Once his father realized that Buffy and his son weren't really a couple or even a potential couple then there would be bruises.  He didn't understand why Buffy had started this whole thing in motion.  She should have known better, but then again she never lived in constant fear like he did.

"Go get her, tiger," his father said, with a grin and a light punch to Xander's upper arm.  "She's waiting for you." Mr. Harris grabbed the gin bottle and his glass, swayed on his feet before stumbling from the room.  "You have a good time," he added with a wink.  Then he was gone.  Or at least no longer in sight.

Xander wiped his hands on his jeans, pushed his hair off his face as he made his way to the door.  The bell rang again.  "All right, all right," he mumbled, and yanked the door open.  "Hey Buffy."

Damn she was a beautiful girl.  Her blonde hair tumbled around her shoulders in waves framing the flawless perfection of her face.  A knot formed in his stomach as he wondered why he just couldn't be straight.  Maybe his father was right and he just needed to try.  This was his chance, but then blue eyes replaced green, and he knew he never could.  He loved Spike. 

Always had and always would.

"You going to invite me in?"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry," Xander said, stepping back.  He waved a hand toward the living room.  "Do you want something to drink…maybe some pie?  My mom made some for dessert."

"No, I'm fine," Buffy said.  Taking a step closer to him, she mouthed the question, "Is your dad around?" 

He nodded, biting his lip.  "Come in."  He rocked back on his heels, shoving his hands into his back pockets.  "Thank you for bringing my homework to me."

"It wasn't a problem."  Buffy strode into his home with her chin up.  Xander smiled.  She was scared, too.  He wasn't alone.  After putting her books on the coffee table, she took a seat on the sofa.  "Come sit, Xander."  A perfectly manicured hand patted the seat next to her. 

Hating the deception, wishing this was real, wishing it was Spike, wishing he was dead, Xander sat.  He stiffened when Buffy snuggled into his side. 

"Now which subject did you need help in?"  Buffy asked, laying a hand on this thigh.

He was going to be sick.  He wanted to push her away, when she bit his ear before whispering, "Your father is in the hallway.  Relax.  I won't bite again."  She patted his leg.  "Talk to me."

"Uh, it's um, fren…math," Xander stuttered.  This whole situation was a nightmare.  If only he could be the son his father wanted, maybe his life would be different.  "Yeah, it's algebra."

"Great," Buffy muttered, leaning forward to grab the book.  "You had to pick the one subject I really suck at."

A vision of Buffy sucking him off crossed Xander's mind. His dick stirred as a yearning tightened in him.  No, not this, not now, he wanted to cry.  Men didn't cry.  Rage flooded him at the injustice of his life.  For a second he wanted to grab Buffy by the hair to force her to give him what he was fantasizing about.  No, he wouldn't be like his father.  God, he couldn't.  Oh yeah, God didn't exist.  He was all alone.  It seemed he might be the same kind of bastard his father was, and he stood.

"You need to go," Xander demanded.  He danced in the same spot.  Why was everything so confusing?

Buffy stood.  She cared.  It was only because she didn't know what he was thinking.  Her arms wrapped around him, rocking them like they were dancing.  Her body trembled.  He pulled her closer, burying his face in her neck.

"I love you, Xander," Buffy said.  "I need you in my life just like I need Spike."

"You don't know what I was thinking…I'm not who you think I am."  He wanted her to go away.  She shouldn't be walking in his hell.

"You know sometimes I get so lonely I wish that you or Spike would make a move on me," Buffy whispered.  "I wish I wasn't a virgin.  This whole growing up business is just messed up, Xander.  Let me do this for you."

"Do what?"  He was confused.  Did she want him to make a move?  No, she couldn't want him to take her virginity.  No, she wouldn't. 

Giggling, she pulled back so she could look up at him.  "Let me help you and Spike."  He could barely hear the end of the sentence, her voice was so slow.  "I understand the rules of the game."

"I don't want to hurt you.  This is going to get all muddled up."

"Maybe, but…"

"No," Xander said.  "I can't let you do this.  This is my problem and it's not a game."  Nothing was a game where his father was concerned. 

"Xander, please…"

"Leave…go." She didn't move.  "Get the hell out of here.  I don't need your help."

Her face went pale.  He'd hurt her.  A lot.  He reached for her hand, but she was already running for the door.  Everything was fucked up.  He was a fuck up.  The slamming of the door vibrated through the house like a death knoll.  It took only a second for his father to show up at the door. 

Maybe tonight it would finally be over. 

A tapping at the French doors sent Willow running across her room.  She looked over her shoulder to make sure her bedroom door was closed.  It was.  Things should be safe from her parents prying eyes.  She turned the knob to fling open the door leading to the small terrace.  Buffy stood on the other side with her face twisted in pain. 

"I've been waiting for you to call," Willow said, stumbling over her words as she stepped back.  "What happened? Did Mr. Harris do something?  If he did, I'll kill…"

"It's not that," Buffy said, crumpling on the bed.  "I failed.  Xander told me to go away."

"Oh, I don't think it was you," Willow said, sitting on the bed.  She patted Buffy's shoulder.  "Xander has a lot going on.  Maybe he just didn't need another complication."

"He flat out rejected me.  I'm ugly, aren't I?"

Willow couldn't help but to laugh.  It was a ridiculous question.  It was her that always questioned if she was even a tad bit attractive with her bright red hair, flat chest and chicken legs.  A long time ago she'd learned to live in the shadow of her good looking friends. 

"Stop it," Buffy sniffled.  "It's not funny.  If I'm as beautiful as everyone keeps saying why won't Angel look at me twice?" She flung her arms out.  "Now even Xander rejects me.  I should look into Convents."

"Xander is gay.  So he doesn't count." 

"Whatever.  Spike is gay, too, and he always makes me feel pretty.  It's me."

Willow shook her head.  "It isn't you.  You're getting obsessed with this whole Angel thing."  In her opinion, Buffy was already too emotional about the handsome football quarterback.  The guy was playing games.  Willow was sure that Angel was playing hard to get so Buffy would finally give in to him, but telling Buffy that would only help Angel in his cause to conquer more than Buffy's heart.  "He's a jerk if he won't go out with you, which makes you better off without him."

Buffy flopped with her usual dramatic flair onto her back.  She stared up at the ceiling.  After a second she snapped her fingers before sitting back up.  "I know what I can do."  She jumped to her feet.  "You can help me."

"Help you do what?"  Willow didn't like the look on Buffy's face.  This particular mix of mischievousness and determination usual meant trouble.  A lot of it. 

"I'm going to give myself a makeover," Buffy announced.  She ran her hand through the air from her head to her feet, ending up in a low bow, before popping back up with a grin.  "Angel doesn't want to deal with a virgin so I'm going to let him see that I know the score."

"No, you're not," Willow said.  She stood to place her hands on Buffy's shoulders as if to bring her back to earth.  "You are not Sandra Dee or Cher and a makeover will not solve your problems."

"Well it can't hurt."

"It can," Willow said.  "What if you're prancing around with the appearance of some kind of slut and your Prince Charming is watching.  No," she shook her head.  She pointed at her face.  "See my resolve face.  I won't let you do it."

Buffy giggled.  She threw her arms around Willow.  "We'll give you a makeover too."

"Oh lord, we're in trouble."

The house was quiet.  Most of the lights were off.  Only a few were still shining brightly, one or two upstairs and the one in the cellar.  Spike grinned, dropping to a squat before duck walking between the big oak tree and the window low to the ground.  He congratulated himself on being so sneaky that he figured out a way to use Mr. Harris' stupid idea so that he and Xander could be together.

Giving one last look around, he laid down to peek in the window.  Xander was sitting on the sofa, watching some ancient television set.  He looked relaxed.  Must mean that Daddy had gone to bed or at least upstairs to leave Xander in some much needed privacy.  Without knocking, Spike shimmied through the window to drop into the sink.  Using the edge as a springboard, he landed on his feet. 

"Hello," Spike said.  Faced with all of his desires and hopes, he was suddenly nervous.  More than nervous, he was scared to death.  He knew what happened between Buffy and Xander.  He tried to reassure himself that Xander loved him so much he couldn't bear to pretend to care about someone else.  Now, he wasn't so sure of anything except the yearning that screamed inside of him. 

Xander's mouth gaped open as he stood.  He looked nervously up the stairs before pressing a finger to his lips.  "What are you doing here?"  Xander asked in a whispered rush.

"Here to see you," Spike hurriedly took the two or three steps it would take to be in Xander's arms.  He met his friend with a huge hug. 

Xander didn't hold him in return.  For a moment it seemed like he would, but he stiffened.  "Don't Spike."

"What do you mean?  Your Da doesn't know I'm here." He pressed a kiss to Xander's jaw.  "We can still see each other. We just have to be sneaky about it."

"No, we can't," Xander said, stepping back.  He pushed back his hair as he stared at some spot behind Spike.  "Look," he swallowed, "this was a mistake.  I don't want to see you…not like that."

"If you mean it then look at me when you tell me."

Wanting to pinch himself, Spike stared at Xander in disbelief.  This couldn't be happening. 

"Spike, my Dad was upset about me telling Buffy to leave."

"Did he hurt you again?" Spike growled.  He reached for Xander to check for bruises, but his hand was pushed away.

"No," Xander chuckled, but it came out as more of a moan.  "Not tonight.  Guess I drew a lucky card, but…but I just can't do this…you."

"You don't have to do this," Spike said, relieved Xander wasn't carrying any new bruises.  "Not by yourself.  We'll do it together.  I'll take care of you."  Before he could be stopped Spike kissed Xander, holding the other boy tight as he put all of his need into the pressure of his lips.  If only Xander would give one gesture of returning this kiss then Spike would walk through fire to keep them together.  He didn't though.  "Don't do this, Xan, please?"

For a moment Xander laid his forehead against Spike's and he could have sworn that he felt a weakening, but it wasn't to be.

"I have to.  This is all wrong.  I'm wrong," Xander pleaded.  Yet there weren't any tears to back any regret in the words.  He looked Spike in the eye.  "I don't want you.  It was a sick idea from a couple of stupid kids with nothing better to do."  Giving a nervous laugh, Xander looked away. 

"No, it wasn't," Spike spat out.  "This is you and me…"

"Stop it," Xander said.  "Can you tell me you even thought about this two days ago?"  He paused.  "I didn't think so.  Now get back to your life and leave me to mine."

"Not even going to be friends?"

"Nope."

Fury raced through Spike.  He pushed hard against Xander's shoulders.  "You bloody arse…how could you do this to me?  Yeah, I never thought about this two days ago.  Now you've come and twisted everything.  Can't even be friends?" He raised his hands to run through his hair, but he froze when he saw Xander flinch.  Son of a bitch.  He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping the tears would vanish.  No such luck.  "We could have done this."

Without waiting for a reply, Spike left, climbing back out the window and wishing he could have done it with a little dignity.  Nothing about this day was right.  He fished around for his cigarettes, lighting one before he started his car.  It was time to tie one on so he headed for his favorite bar.

_to__ be continued..._


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It was Friday.

All she had to do was get through until the afternoon and she and Willow would be heading for the mall for the makeover.  By this time tomorrow, she would be a different girl.  No, she would be a woman.  There wasn't any more time for the kid stuff, she was going to prove that she was worthy of Angel's attention.

Buffy pulled the books she needed for her first couple of classes out of her locker.  She hoped the day wouldn't bring any surprises.  Well, at least, not any more after the big one of Spike not showing to pick her up this morning.  It happened every so often when he got in one of his moods, but after last night, it was a cause for concern.  She hadn't seen him so emotional or edgy since before his own transformation from William to Spike.

Buffy closed her locker as she looked up and down the hallway for her friends.  Willow walked to school with her so she was off the worry radar.  Xander, so far, was a no show, as was Spike.  Not that she was going to show any concern for Xander.  Apparently, he didn't want her compassion.  He was another male on her bad list.  They could all stay there the way she was feeling this morning.

"Oh crap," Buffy muttered, when she saw Cordelia and her pack turning the corner ahead.  The only way to get to her first class would make her pass them.  The last thing she wanted today was to tangle with Miss Popularity, but if she didn't want to be late, she didn't have a choice.

 "Oh well," Buffy sighed.

With all the bad vibes building, it would seem the day was going to be a bust anyway.  She ducked her head, hoping they wouldn't notice her, but once again, it would seem fate had it out for her.  Cordelia's voice got louder when Buffy tried to skirt around them.

"Yeah," Cordelia said.  "Angel called me last night."  She giggled dramatically.  "We talked for over an hour."

"What about?"  One of her sheep asked in breathless anticipation. 

Buffy wanted to throw up, but her feet slowed to hear the answer.

Cordelia waved a hand.  "Oh, about nothing and everything.  He was hinting around about the winter formal.  Silly boy better hurry up before someone else asks me to go."

Tears stung Buffy's eyes while a large lump took up residence in her throat.  How could Angel want such a vapid whore when Buffy was more than willing to love him?  It wasn't fair.  She wanted to wail, however, French class was waiting.  She tried to swallow as she hurried to her first class. 

Willow waved to her from her usual seat.  Buffy slid into the desk next to her friend.

"Have you heard from the guys?"  Willow asked.  "I just bet they ran off somewhere together." 

"Where would they go?"  Buffy asked, rolling her eyes.  "Yeah, I just bet that would happen."

"You never know," Willow remarked.  The smile she previously wore was gone.  "I was trying to stay on the bright side."

"Sorry."  Buffy squirmed.  "I'm just having a bad morning.  Besides Xander doesn't want me to worry about him, remember?  Therefore, I won't."

"You will anyway," Willow said.  "It's ingrained into your nature."

Buffy giggled.  "Is ingrained your new word for the day?"

 "At least I know what it means.  Do you?"

"Of course.  It has something to do with bread, right?" Buffy couldn't help teasing.  She winked at her friend.  "Makes it healthier."

"Yeah right.  Just like worrying about our friends is bad for your health."

"Then I'm on the verge of death," Buffy sighed. 

No matter what the boys said or did, they were worthy of worry, love and loyalty.  Although she knew it wasn't so, she really hoped that they had run off together.  She started to imagine their new lives while everyone else around her was learning to conjugate verbs in French.

Everything hurt.  He wondered if a semi ran him over the night before and someone forgot to bury him.  There was cotton stuffed in his mouth leaving him wanting something to drink, which only contradicted the intense desire to puke that his stomach was telling him to do.

"Bollocks,"  Spike muttered.  His eyelids were glued to his cheeks.  This wasn't good.  Not at all.  "Shit," he said louder when he remembered it was a school day.  "What the hell time is it?"

"It's after nine," a sleepy voice said next to him. 

A female voice.

Spike sat up despite all his discomforts.  He wasn't at home or any place that was familiar.  He was in a room that was exploding with roses against pink backgrounds.  It made his stomach heave with all the femininity.  What the hell had he done?  And with who?

"Bathroom?"  The other questions would have to wait.  A toilet was a necessity in more than one way. 

"Through that door," the voice said again.  A pink tipped hand appeared from beneath the comforter to point at one of the three doors in the room.  "Be quiet so my parents don't hear you."

Spike bolted in the direction she indicated.  He flipped the switch for the fan.  It wasn't very loud.  Certainly couldn't cover the sound of his puking.  He tried to be quiet, but all he wanted to do was die.  Images from the night before were slowly coming back to him.

Too many drinks.  A petite blonde who reminded him of Buffy coming on to him.  Dancing.  Flirting.  Making out on the dance floor.  In the front seat of his car.  Trying to stay on the road. Climbing through a window.  Then a blur of sex that made him try to empty his stomach again.

"You're a pig," the voice said again.  This time it was behind him.  "I told you that the tequila shots were too much." 

A washcloth appeared beside him.  He wiped his mouth as he turned to see whom he'd shagged.  Yeah, she was pretty.  Someone a week ago that he would have cajoled back into a good mood and back into bed, but now all he could think of was that she wasn't Xander. 

"Yeah, I guess they were," Spike said.  "Sorry about that."

She giggled.  "I'll forgive you.  After all, you were an animal last night."

"Give me just a minute," Spike said, hoping she would leave him alone so he could pee.  "You know," he waved a hand over his crotch.

"Sure thing, blondie bear," she said.  

The door closed on her perfect behind.  He shook his head before doing his business.  When he was done, he washed his hands and face, before rinsing his mouth with her mouthwash.  He still wasn't presentable, but at least he didn't look like he was at death's door. 

She was sitting on the edge of her bed with his cell phone in her hand.  He didn't say anything as he looked for his clothes.  He pulled them on as he located them, hoping there wasn't going to be a big scene when he left. 

"My dad already left for work," she said.  "My mom doesn't care so you won't have to go out the window."

"Lovely," he muttered, pulling his coat on.  He held his hand out for his phone.  "I had a great time," he said when she placed it on his palm. 

"Yeah, yeah," she said.  "I put my name and phone number in there in case you want to hook up again."

The whole scene was too bizarre for words.  A week ago, it would have been another one of those mornings where he had too much fun the night before.  He would know what to do, what to say to leave both of them satisfied and open for another night of sex.  He felt as awkward as he had the first time he spend a random night with some girl who was easy.

"Sure…um, yeah…"

"The name is Harmony," she said.  "It's okay."  She trailed a finger down her chest to her belly.  "You'll call again."  She giggled. 

Spike kissed her, wanting to feel the heat again.  It wasn't there.  Totally absent. Making him wonder how the hell he performed the night before.  Damn Xander and all of his problems. 

"Yeah, I'll call baby," he promised.  Maybe he would.  If he got it up once before for her then he was confident he could again. 

After all, the world didn't revolve around his best friend.

Bypassing the cafeteria, Willow headed toward the exit door.  Xander was in school.  She'd spotted him on her way to English class.  He hadn't looked in her direction or was ignoring her, but either way she was going to corner him.  It wasn't right that the four friends were going in different directions.  She was the only one with a clear head, so it was up to her to fix things.

She was right.  Xander was sitting on his time out bench, as he called it, under the oak tree in the back of the school.  He was sitting with crossed legs while he plucked the peel from an orange.  She wanted to hug him.  He didn't look welcoming when she came into view, so she sat beside him instead.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Eating lunch," Xander said, pitching a large piece of peel nowhere in particular. 

"You're not going to make this easy, are you?"

"I have no idea of what you're talking about."

"Yep," Willow nodded.  "Another noncommittal conversation from you while I try to pry essential information from your ungiving lips."

Xander didn't even smile.  It really was bad. 

"Xander, what happened?  Buffy came to my house last night.  She told me how you threw her out.  She was really upset."

"So sorry the princess received a dent to her ego."

"That's so not fair.  Buffy only wanted to help you out."

"You wouldn't understand," Xander snapped.  "So butt out."

"I won't."  Willow shook her head.  "I'm not going to sit by and watch our friendships go kablooey."

"They already have."

"You're just going to let your father take away everything?"  Buffy said from behind them. 

They both turned at the question.  She shrugged her shoulders at their silence before sitting on the other side of Xander. 

"Thought I told you to stay away," Xander growled.  "That I didn't need or want your help."

"Not offering any," Buffy said, raising her hands in surrender.  "It's your life.  Mess it up if you want.  Me, I'm out of it."

"Why are you here?"  Willow asked, a little piqued at her friends squabbling.  "I mean, if you don't want to help Xander."  She couldn't help it.  Her nice side won out over her weak attempt to be a bitch.

"I never said I didn't want to help.  Just not offering," Buffy clarified with a sniff.  "A girl can only take so much rejection."

Xander sighed, but didn't say anything.  He took a bite of his orange while staring off into the distance.  The silence among the three of them was too much for Willow to handle.  They were always talking.  About something or nothing at all.  It was what they did.

"So, Buffy and I are going shopping this afternoon," Willow offered up the first thing in her mind.  She ignored the 'shut up' expression from Buffy.  "Do you want to come along, Xander?"

"No, he doesn't," Buffy said.  "I would be there.  Right Xander?"

"Not everything revolves around the Buffster," Xander said, standing.  He threw the rest of the orange into the garbage before wiping his hands on his jeans.  "You know, I didn't ask you to come over last night and flirt with me and talk about wanting me or Spike to take your virginity and…"

"Shut up," Buffy cried, standing up.  A deep blush stained her cheeks.  "How could you just blurt that out?"  She looked around to see if anyone was listening.  "Besides that's not what I said…exactly.  I was just trying to help you out and you were cruel to me."

Willow couldn't believe it.  Things were far worse then she ever imagined.  Buffy was about to cry, Xander was retreating, and Spike was MIA.  Something needed to be done immediately.

"Stop it!  Both of you," Willow demanded.  "This isn't right.  We're not the enemies.  We're supposed to stick by each other.  Isn't that what you said yesterday, Buffy?"  She poked a finger into Xander's chest.  "And you, buster, is the one who kept things from the rest of us and then changed everything.  So, you're going to have to let us catch up before you give up on us."

She took a deep breath and waited for their reaction.  They stared at her then at each other before turning eyes to the ground. 

"I…," Xander hesitated.  "Buffy, it's…I…don't want you to get hurt," he finished in a rush. 

"Like you could," Buffy said, flinging her hair over her shoulder.  She crossed her arms and stared at Xander.

"Buffy," Willow said in a warning voice.  "Let him finish."

"I am finished," Xander said.  He took a step closer to Buffy.  "You think you know everything, but you don't.  You have no idea what my father is capable of and if you can't take my word for it then find out for yourself.  Just don't come to me crying when you find out."

"I just don't want him to hurt you anymore," Buffy said. 

"You can't stop him from that," Xander said, with a sigh.  For a brief moment he appeared to be considering if there was anyway they could, but then gave up.  He pulled Buffy against him and whispered, "No one can."

Buffy didn't argue or fight Xander.  She opened her arms to wrap them around Xander.  It was beautiful to watch as the two let down their guards again.

"See," Willow said, satisfied that part of her mission was complete.  "A little communication never hurt anyone."

"Shut up, Willow," Buffy said, opening her arm to include the redhead in their embrace. 

Willow went willingly, but her mind was already plotting to call Spike after school and see why he hadn't been there.

_to be continued…_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

The Bronze was crowded.  The music was loud.  First bouncing against the exterior walls then echoing in screeching vibrations around the people jammed into the nightclub.  It made Xander's head spin.  Stopping in his tracks just inside the door, he blinked a few times to get used to the mixture of darkness and strobe lights flashing through the crowd.  Releasing the breath he always seemed to be holding, his guard slipped just a little.  In this place, he was just one more kid out for a good time. The same crowd that ignored him at school ignored him here while his friends were still there for him. That was cool with him.

Except for Spike.  The girls promised that Spike wasn't going to show up tonight.  Xander wasn't sure if he should believe them or not, but the lure of getting out of his house was too much temptation.  His dad was gone on one of his 'business trips' so Xander was free to go out without a lot of hassle.  As long as he didn't cause trouble for his mother, she didn't try to control him, and she never told.  Their household resembled the US government in that aspect.  Don't ask then don't tell.   

"Come on, Xander," Buffy said, tugging on his arm.  "There's a table free over there."  She pointed to a high top table near the dance floor.  Right where she could see who came and went and where everyone would see them.  Which meant she was hoping Angel would show.

Not arguing, he followed; glancing around just to make sure Spike wasn't there.  He didn't spot the blond anywhere.  He wasn't sure if he was disappointed or relieved.  Or both.  Keeping Spike away from him was the best thing for both of them.  Yet his heart screamed for his friend.  He should never have kissed Spike.  At least before that fateful move, Spike was around him all the time and he wasn't left with this aching separation. 

An overwhelming flood of hate for his father overcame Xander.  If only a horrible accident would keep his father from ever coming home.  Sliding onto a stool across from Buffy, Xander told himself that if the indiscriminate wish came true, he would be filled with guilt.  Yet, it didn't silence the small voice that whispered that he wouldn't really care that much about the man who fathered him.  The death of the man who was so cruel could only bring a heady freedom, but it was too much to hope.

"Okay," Willow said, putting three cups on the table.  "A diet for Buffy, a regular for Xander and punch for me."  After distributing the drinks, she sat on the stool between them. 

"Thanks," Xander said.  "So, what do you girls think of the new duds when they're actually being worn?"  He ran his hand down his chest that he puffed out as he twisted for the girls to take a look. 

"Looks good," Willow said, with a small nod.  "Buffy has good taste."

Xander chuckled because Buffy wasn't even paying attention to them.  She was too busy looking for the current object of her affections.  Nibbling on her lower lip let him know she hadn't spotted Angel yet.  Leaning over, he waved his hand in front of her face.

"What, huh, what did I miss?"  Buffy asked, glancing between her friends with a confused look. 

"Xander wanted some admiration for the clothes you bought him this afternoon," Willow said. 

"Of course he looks good," Buffy said, reaching over to squeeze Xander's hand.  "I wouldn't have gotten him the outfit unless he would.  Only the best for my friends."

During the trip to the mall after school, Buffy somehow decided that Xander needed a makeover as much as she did.  Having her mom's credit card gave her a bit of leeway when it came to the extra duds, but she took his clothes out of her budget so they wouldn't get in too much trouble.  Certainly, his parents wouldn't give him any money to buy new clothes without a good reason.  His mother bought him a few new things before school started and he learned to make do with them. 

"You do look good," Willow added.  "Spike should be knocked over by the new Xander."

"No," Xander shook his head.  "We're over.  Remember?  No Spike and Xander anything."

"That's not true," Buffy said.

"I agree," Willow added with her resolve face.  "Just a temporary roadblock."

"You're both dreaming."

If only he wasn't.  Xander hid his face in his drink, swallowing it down as he fought back his emotions.  He didn't want to admit it, but he really wanted Spike to take a second look at Xander in the clothes Buffy picked out.  The khaki cargo pants and green striped shirt was nothing like the standard jeans and on sale shirts that his mom bought for him.  Earlier, when he stared at himself in the mirror he could see a glimpse of the man he wanted to become one day.  The man he would be, he swore, if it were the last thing he ever did.  A life he wanted to share with Spike.

"He's here," Buffy said, leaning toward them. 

"Spike?"  Xander asked, wanting to shrink into himself.

"No, Angel," Buffy said, sitting up, pushing her boobs out.  She flipped her hair before trying to appear casual.  That was impossible as much as she was bouncing around. 

"Uh Buffy," Willow said.

Xander looked behind them to see Angel holding hands with Cordelia as they headed for the dance floor.  It pissed him off for some unfathomable reason.  Buffy was better off without the big wooden jerk, but if she wanted him then he should be paying attention.  The girl was about ready to cry.  It had taken her hours to get ready, a ton of money to pay for the clothes that revealed too much, and now it seemed to be all for nothing. 

"He's an idiot," Xander muttered, standing up.  He took Buffy's hand before giving a small bow and a flourished wave.  "Will you dance with me?"

"Not now," Buffy whispered.  "You don't have to be nice."

"I'm not," Xander declared.  He winked at Willow.  "It would be an honor to dance with one of the two most beautiful women in this joint."

"Go on," Willow chimed in, waving her hands in a 'go away' gesture.  "Make him jealous by dancing with the most handsome man here tonight."

Buffy slid off her chair to let him lead her onto the floor.  The song playing was somewhere between a fast number and a slow song.  One of those that made you want to run, and lay down to dream all at the same time.  Deciding that closeness was what they needed, Xander pulled his friend close against him.  Buffy leaned against him.  He buried his nose in her hair, wishing that things were different for all of them. There wasn't any reason that they shouldn't all be happy.  Life was playing some cruel tricks on them.

"What's wrong with me?"  Buffy asked, pulling back enough to look up into his eyes.  Her fingers played with the hair curling against his collar.  "The three most important men in my life and I don't do anything for them."

"As for me, your lack of a penis doesn't help the situation," Xander quipped.  "And you and Spike have done quite a bit.  He adores you, body and all. And, hey, I'm insulted to be put in the same category as dead boy."

Buffy rolled her eyes.  "Why do you call him that?"

"Because he has absolutely no personality.  He's wooden, but I guess that's what you see in him."

Giggling, Buffy swatted at him.  "That's bad."  She stared at his top button for a second.  "Look, I'm sorry about last night.  I know that you and Spike don't…well, look at me like you do each other."

"It's okay, Buffy." 

Hopefully the reassurance would cut off a long apology session.  They'd made up.  He didn't hold it against her.  After all, they all exchanged more than a few kisses and gropes since obtaining puberty.  It was like Willow said earlier in the day, he switched the rules on them, and he would have to give them time to gel back into a real comfort zone again.

"If you say so," Buffy said.  "So, what was Willow saying about making Angel jealous?"

Xander pulled her closer, letting his hands run down her back.  "Give me a second to maneuver us into a good spot, then do what you want, honey.  It's not going to hurt me."

When Buffy turned around to wiggle her ass against his groin, Xander almost groaned.  It was going to hurt as he felt his body respond to the stimulation.  She owed him big time.

Watching the couple on the dance floor hurt.  They looked so at ease with one another that it made him jealous.  It made Spike wonder if he would ever be so comfortable around Xander again.  He missed his friend.  Taking a sip of the ill-gotten beer in his cup, he slid into the seat next to Willow.

"Spike? You're here," Willow squeaked.  "That's great."  Her eyes told another story as she searched the floor for Xander and Buffy.  She looked almost panicked.

"It's okay, Red.  Just stopped by your table to say hi, then I'll get out of the way."

"No, no, it's okay.  You should stay.  I just thought, that you know, when you showed up that Buffy would know first.  So, that Xander wouldn't run."

"He doesn't even want to hang out with me?"

Spike hated that he sounded like some damn lovesick ponce.  To keep anyone else from noticing, he took a long drink of his beer.  How could something that hadn't crossed his mind a week ago now consume his every thought?  Xander was beautiful.  Somehow, tonight he looked more confident than usual, more comfortable being himself.  Usually Xander was ready to jump out of his skin if someone made a sudden move around him.  Holding Buffy, laughing over some secret joke with her, Xander appeared to be more of a man.  As if something had happened to give him an edge over the life he usually led.  Whatever it was made Spike was jealous that it wasn't something he did making Xander happy. 

"Spike, you in there?"  Willow waved her hand in front of Spike's face to get his attention. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm here.  Just thinking about stuff."

"Well, I was telling you that Xander does want to be around you.  He was trying to push Buffy and me away, too.  Mr. Harris is on some kick that we're corrupting his son, pressuring Xander to stop hanging around us, and especially you."

"Long speech," Spike commented on Willow's run on commentary about why Xander was avoiding them.  It wasn't like her, and it only told him how much she was trying to explain away something that couldn't.

Willow looked away.  A faint blush stained her cheeks, making Spike feel like an ass.  He wanted to apologize but was too angry to say the words. His rage wasn't directed at Willow, but at the whole situation.  So many other ways life could have played out wouldn't be leaving him drowning in confusion about his best friend.  They hadn't happened, and he was stuck with it.  There seemed to be only two things to do, stick it out with the other three, taking what he could get which would never be enough, or leave them behind.  He sighed.  Neither was a good alternative.

"Spike, please be nice," Willow said, returning her gaze to him. 

"I'm always nice," Spike retorted, feeling backed into a corner.  He could see Buffy and Xander winding their way through the gyrating couples.  Part of him wanted to run, and another longed to be close to Xander.  He hated that part of him, but that same part of him hated Xander, too.  It left him unsure of how to act or what to do with his sweaty palms.

"Hi," Buffy said, kissing his cheek and giving him a hug.

Spike pulled her close against him.  "You're a conniving little bitch.  Getting us both here."

"Don't," Buffy whispered back. 

"Already got the lecture from Will.  I'll behave if he will."  Spike released Buffy.  He took a deep breath to calm his racing nerves before looking at Xander.  "Hey there," he said.

"Hi," Xander replied. 

They looked briefly into each other's eyes, and then glanced away before looking again.  The second time it took a little longer before Spike could tear his eyes away.  Everything he was feeling was echoed in Xander's expression.  It only made it hurt more.  It also made him want to grab Xander, hold him tight until they felt safe again.  Sex wasn't the goal, but rather a hiding place where there weren't so many rules, only them and their feelings.  A smile curled the edges of Xander's lip making Spike want to smile too until another blonde stepped between them.

"Harmony," Spike groaned.  "What are you doing here?"

"You said you hung out here a lot," Harmony said.  "It's Friday night and I was lonely.  Thought we could do last night all over again."

"You were together last night?"  Xander asked, staring at the chit who was ruining Spike's night. 

Spike opened his mouth to come up with the first plausible lie, but it was already too late.  Harmony's answering giggle told Xander everything he needed to now.  It was enough to make the brunette leave without another word.   The world was crashing again.  This time Spike wasn't sure that anything could make it go away.

_to__ be continued…_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

All Xander wanted was to get out of the Bronze.  Away from the crowds of happy people having a blast with other happy people.  He hated them all.  Why was he always singled out for misery?  What had he ever done to deserve to even be born?  He didn't need his father there to hear his insults coated with cruel laughter echoing in his head.  

_ Why would you ever believe that anyone would ever care about you?_

_You're a fucking idiot!_

_Stupid faggot!_

_Spike is nothing but trouble.  He was playing with your head and you fell for it._

He couldn't argue with any of them.  They were all true.  He was the biggest fool alive.  All the confidence he had enjoyed earlier drained away to leave him at his usual clumsy awkwardness.  He rubbed at raw eyes trying to stop the tears that were threatening to humiliate him.  Not looking where he was going, he slammed into some pretty boy surrounded by adoring girls.

"Hey asshole," the boy called.

"Sorry," Xander mumbled.

He didn't stop long enough for the other kid to have a chance to start a fight, not even caring that the girls were laughing at him as he passed them.   Xander wouldn't stand a chance in a physical battle.  The other kid could kill him, but maybe that wasn't a bad thing.  It would make his father happy.  Too bad that when he was earlier one of the falls down the stairs or one of the payday drunk beatings hadn't crushed his skull or something.  It would have saved him years of being unhappy.  He almost smiled when he remembered his wish for his father's death.  It was all too ironic.

Guess he couldn't win no matter what he wished for because in the end, he hadn't died and his father would be back on Sunday night.  No matter what he wished or what he tried to change, it seemed life would continue to be a nightmare.  At least before, he still had his friends to ease the pain.  Now because of one desperate move to be closer to Spike, now he didn't even have his friends to console him. 

Slamming through the front door of The Bronze, Xander crashed into the night outside.  Like a big yawning mouth, the darkness swallowed him whole.  He stumbled along the alleyway avoiding the others mingling or walking toward the entrance.  There was nowhere to go but home, and it was the last place Xander wanted to go.  For a moment Xander considered catching the first bus out of town, but not only didn't he have any money, he didn't want to leave Spike despite the difficulties between them.

It seemed that none of his plans ever worked out.  Xander turned the corner heading away from the lights and the crowds.  Every moment of the night kept running through his mind in frantic snatches of memories that got worse with each replay.  Maybe he should have let pretty boy beat the shit out of him.  The physical pain may have hurt more than the emotional, giving him a respite from the heartache.

"You're father is right," Xander muttered.  "You are the stupidest person ever born."   

So lost in his thoughts that at first he didn't hear the pounding footsteps catching up with him.  It wasn't until Spike grabbed his arm that he was aware that he wasn't alone.  He looked back at the boy he'd loved as far back as he could remember.  They stared at each other for a moment before anger overtook Xander's self-pity.  No matter what he'd said or done to keep Spike away, he still loved his best friend with everything he had, and the thought of him with someone else tore his soul in half.

"You son of a bitch," Xander snarled.  "Get the fuck out of my way."

"No," Spike said.  He put his hands on his hips.  "Look, you told me that you wanted me to leave.  That there wasn't anything between us.  So, why shouldn't I go out with Harmony?"

"You can go out with anyone you want.  I just want you to get out of my way."

"No." 

Nothing was going right.  Xander swiped at his eyes with his sleeve then fury replaced the pain.  Seeing red, he grabbed Spike, and threw him against a wall.  Spike stumbled, winced as his back slammed against the bricks before he was able to right himself.  The surprise on Spike's face gave Xander a moment of regret, but this was the first time in a long time that he felt that he had any control over his life.  He raised his fists ready to punch his best friend. 

"Well you're making your Daddy proud, aren't you?" Spike said.  "Beat the shit out of me if it makes you feel better.  I don't care."

Xander swung.  Not caring about anything but himself as he felt his fist connect with Spike's face.  For a brief second it felt good to hurt someone else, but the sound of flesh hitting flesh echoed in his mind.  Like the hundreds of times when his father did the same to him.  Spike shook his head as he struggled to his feet.  To Xander's surprise, his friend didn't try to hit him back.  It seemed Spike was waiting to be punched again. 

"Come on, man," Spike cajoled.  "You can't quit now.  I'm not bleeding yet.  Don't you want to get it all out?  Tell Daddy you beat the faggot up?"

"Shut up," Xander cried.  "I hate you."  A sob caught in Xander's throat as he backed away.  "You don't understand."

"What that you're a son of a bitch?  Just like you're old man?"

"Stop it," Xander grabbed Spike's shirt again. "I'm not him.  I'm not."  Giving up, he let go as the sobs took control.  He needed to get out of there, but arms stopped him, encircling him.

"I'm sorry," Spike said, holding him. 

It couldn't be, could it?  Why would Spike want anything to do with him after what he'd just done?  Maybe Spike was more of a fool than he was, but no one could be, could they?  Stiff, unyielding, afraid it was a cruel joke, Xander only stood there waiting for the punch line.  Or the punch.  His father was right.  Xander was a sorry excuse for a man.  He deserved everything he got.  Including losing the boy he loved to a blonde twit who was free to love Spike.

"Why?"  Xander muttered, unwilling to wait any longer.  He needed to face the pain.

"Why what, mate?"

"Why her?  Why are you still here?  Why?"

"Her, because she was an easy lay," Spike said, pulling back to hold onto Xander's shoulders.  Until they were staring into each other's eyes.  "I'm here because I'm your friend even if you're acting like an ass.  And why?" He shrugged.  "Have no clue.  Wondering why a lot myself lately."

"My fault?"

"Yeah, something like that," Spike said, taking his tough guy stance as he stepped back.  "Never thought I'd be such a Nancy boy."

"You're not." Xander said.  "That's me."

"Yeah, you're right," Spike responded with a grin.  It quickly faded.  "Before I'd say let's go raise some hell, but…fuck, I'm not sure any more."

"Know what you mean."  He reached out to touch the bruise forming on Spike's cheek.  "I'm sorry."

"Not the first time I've been sucker punched.  Guess it won't be the last."

Xander could tell that Spike was downplaying everything in an effort not to hurt him.  He was grateful.  Not that he understood.  No one did that to Spike and was able to walk away.  He couldn't even count the times that his friend had been suspended for starting or ending a fight.  Most people tried to be as nice to Spike so as not to rile him too much.  He stepped forward to maybe take a chance on this tender Spike when a honk on the street next to them stopped Xander from doing or saying anything else to make things worse.  Spike jumped back from the embrace, smoothing himself back into the tough boy image that was his trademark.  Feeling naked and alone Xander stood there waiting for the cruel taunts waiting for them.

"Hey you two," Buffy's voice rang out.  "Get in the car."

Not sure, who was more surprised, the two boys looked over to where Willow was opening the car door.  A grinning Buffy sat behind the wheel of the car whose rear was still in the path of traffic. 

"I'm going to kill her," Spike muttered, jogging toward his baby.  As he rounded the back end, he saw Buffy looking out at him.  She was smiling.  It irritated him.  "Get out," he barked.  "I thought I told you never to drive her."

"Sorry," Buffy said, not moving.  "You and Xander left.  We were worried so we came looking for you."

"You couldn't do it on foot?"

"God, Spike, what is up your ass?"  Buffy pushed the door open so hard it almost hit him.  Not caring, she climbed out then slammed it shut.  "Fine, I'm out," she said, swinging her arms open.  "Your precious car is just fine.  Not a scratch on her."

"You're lucky she is, otherwise I'd be taking it out of your hide."

"Whatever," Buffy sniffed.  "I'm using my feet now." 

"Stop it, please," Willow said.  "We're supposed to be friends.  Right?"

She sounded so sad and as confused as he felt that Spike didn't want to fight anymore.  They were friends if nothing else.  It was supposed to be them through everything.  None of them could be blamed any more than he could blame himself for all that was wrong.

"Get in," Spike said.  "Let's get the fuck out of Dodge."

They hesitated for only a second, even Xander, before they were climbing into his car.  Buffy ended up in the front seat with him so she could control the radio.  He rolled his eyes.  It wasn't the time to argue with her as she fiddled with the stations looking for the perfect song in her eyes.  Willow hung over the seat, helping Buffy choose something, and in the rear view mirror, he could see Xander huddling in the corner of the backseat.  The kid looked so lost and devastated that it tore Spike apart.  Too bad they couldn't really get out of Dodge.  Leave Sunnydale so far behind that it would only be a distant memory.

One day it would happen.  Tapping the steering wheel in time to the beat that was blaring from the speakers he tried to decide where he would like to end up, but they all included Xander.  Spike wasn't sure if that would happen.  He wasn't even sure if he wanted it to or not.  Tonight was all they had.  It would have to be enough.  Maybe before they got home, he and Xander could figure something out. 

"Ooh, are we going to get food?"  Buffy asked.  "I've got like ten dollars left."

"I've got a few dollars," Willow said, sliding back so she could reach into her pocket.

No one asked Xander.  He probably had to go in his mom's purse just to get enough money to get into the Bronze.  None of them cared though.  Family was family. 

"I've got some," Spike said.  "Buffy, be a good girl and light me a cigarette."

It didn't take long for them to pull through the nearest drive through to load up on food and soda before heading up to Lookout Point.  Except they didn't go there to make out.  They always headed to the end of the road, to a spot near the edge of the cliff where no one would bother them.  It was their hang out spot when they didn't have dates on the weekend.  Spike grinned as he thought about what else they did there.  It might make the rest of the night a little easier.

_to__ be continued…_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

It was still early enough that Lookout Point was almost deserted. Spike drove to the end, by the cliff, their usual spot and parked where the grassy knoll ended into the woods. Not too many other cars ever parked this deep into the area. There were a lot of rumors about creepy things going on in the woods. Enough to keep others away, but not them.  As Xander said, he'd already met the worst monster so whatever was in those woods didn't scare him. 

Spike killed the engine. 

"The usual?"  Buffy asked, with a smile. 

She didn't wait for an answer.  She was already reaching for the small wooden box Spike kept under the front seat.  He smiled.  After the last few days of dealing with Xander and his feelings, Spike needed something to calm him.  Bad habit, he knew from experience of watching Mr. Harris medicate himself to the point of brutality to the ones around him, but this vice never brought out the worst in him.  Or to his companions. 

Maybe it was justification?  Or blinding himself to the truth?  After all, he'd read all the pamphlets from Al-Anon and Alateen warnings of the higher rate of children of alcoholics becoming an addict themselves.  Not that he had that problem, but Xander might.  They all watched over him, but as of yet Xander never instigated it, but he never said no either.

"Party time," Buffy said, climbing out of the car. 

She hopped onto the hood of the Desoto where Willow joined her.  Spike pulled out his lighter with a grin. 

"Come on, Xander," Spike called.  "It's time to light up, mate."

Their friend hesitated.  His face squished up as if he was deciding to wait it out in the car.  Finally, though he crawled from his corner in the backseat.  It hurt to see how much pain Xander was experiencing, some of it due to his idiocy of spending the night with Harmony.  Spike couldn't undo the choices he'd already made.  He also couldn't change how much Xander's rejection stung that propelled him to seek out an easy fuck to soothe his ego. 

Spike sighed and reached for the joint Buffy was holding out.  After lighting it and taking a good hit for himself he passed it along to Willow who was closest to him on the hood. 

Xander still hadn't really joined them.  He was leaning against the car with his arms crossed around his middle, but once again, he didn't reject their drug of choice. 

"Are you going to stay mad at me?"  Spike said. 

"Why shouldn't I?"  Xander muttered, turning away to lean his butt on the car.  "Why her?"

"Yeah," Buffy said.  "I thought you were gay now?"

"Am I?"  Spike replied.  "Until Xander kissed me, it never crossed my mind to be with a guy.  Girls have always been my thing."

"You've never looked at a guy before?"  Willow asked.  "You've joked around with us about guys we've had crushes on."

Spike sighed as he searched his memory.  Had he, without knowing, checked out other men?  It was true that he compared himself to the latest guys the girls thought was hot.  He even liked watching _Queer as Folk_ with them.  Brian Kinney was cool.  He had it all, cool job, great digs, good looks and a beautiful boyfriend, but Spike had never fantasized about being Brian.  He couldn't remember fantasizing about a man period, not even when he was masturbating. 

"Only Xander," Spike confessed.  He held a hand up.  "But I have never gotten off when thinking about Xander."

"Thanks," Xander muttered.  "Makes me feel really good."

"Never occurred to me that you liked me," Spike said, leaning back against the windshield so that he could look up at the stars.  "Sometimes I get the feel goods when you're around, but it was always forbidden, so I just pushed it away."

"Makes sense to me," Buffy said.  She took another hit and passed it back to Spike.  "Xander will you grab the food?  I'm starving."

"Sure," Xander said, reaching into the car to get the bags.

"I told you to eat dinner," Willow said.  "You wouldn't because you were afraid of having tummy bulge in front of the great Angel."

"It would ruin the line of my clothes," Buffy said, grabbing French fries from the bag and stuffing a handful into her mouth.  "I wanted to look perfect."

"If he could only see you now," Spike said, with a chuckle.  "Buffy at her sexiest…talking with her mouth full."

"Shut up," Buffy said, reaching over to swat him.  "He will never see me like this."

"Not much of a relationship," Willow said, taking the bag of food before it spilled to the ground.  She started to pass around the burgers.  "Not if you can't be yourself."

"I agree," Spike said.  "You're beautiful, pet.  Just be yourself."

"He didn't seem interested anyway," Buffy said, sinking into herself.  She picked at the hem of her skirt.  "I'm prettier than Cordelia, aren't I?"

"Hey, maybe he's a fag, too," Spike said, hoping to distract another one of their group from sinking into the doldrums.  "He is kind of hot in a Nancy boy kind of way.  All the hair gel he uses and the model perfect clothes."  Spike hooked a thumb in his belt as he thrust his hips upwards in a mimic of sex movements.  "Yeah, bend that baby over a desk and uh, uh, give it to him good."

Buffy was giggling with her hand over her mouth over his antics, while Willow blushed despite laughing herself, and Xander merely looked uncomfortable.  It had gone the way he would have predicted.  He couldn't help laughing himself at the thought of bending Angel over to fuck him.  Except somewhere in his brief fantasy it became Xander and the fuck became gentler, more like making love.  He held a hand over his face, hoping it would hide what he was certain was a dreamy expression. 

"Knew you would be a top," Buffy said, snapping her fingers.  She looked at Xander.  "And I guess that makes you the bottom."

"Yeah, I guess in Spike's opinion I'm a Nancy boy, too," Xander said, wrapping his arms around himself and hanging his head before he added, "Just like my dad thinks."

"Never thought of you as being like that," Spike said, wishing he had kept his mouth shut.  Even when he was trying to be funny, it seemed he hurt his friend.  He hated this awkwardness existing between them since they kissed.  Before they always cut up, making jokes about sex, and everything else around them.  Never did every word, thought, and gesture have an underlying meaning meant to tear the other apart.  Sitting up, he reached for his cigarettes.  "You're not some pansy.  We're mates.  Always getting into some sort of trouble, 'member?"

"Forget it," Xander said, walking toward the edge of the cliff.

Spike held his breath, afraid of something he couldn't even form into a thought, and then breathed a sigh of relief when Xander plopped down to lie on his back. 

"_Damn, he's beautiful," _Spike thought, gazing at his friend lying in the moonlight.  For the first time he noticed that Xander was wearing new clothes, clothes that emphasized his looks instead of doing their duty by merely covering his body.  Spike glanced at Buffy.  It couldn't be, could it?  Had Xander worn new duds just to impress him?  Xander didn't want to draw attention so he never cared about what he was wearing.  He ran a hand over his face.  It seemed he had ruined Xander's big plan of getting Spike to pay attention.  No matter what he did, he was hurting Xander. 

The girls were silent as they finished off their burgers and fries while his was sitting untouched on the hood.  He didn't feel like eating, and the cigarette in his hand was burning without him smoking it.  It was time to do something.  Sitting up, he slid off the car, trying to be casual as he took a step toward Xander.  He had no clue what he was going to do that wouldn't make things worse.  A part of him even wondered why he cared.  No girl had ever tied him up in such knots.  He was the tough guy.  Love them and leave them may have been an old cliché but it was a motto he lived by until his heart thumped in time to Xander's beat. 

It was more than just the new emotions of affection for Xander leaving him so soft.  It was also the years of friendship between them.  Xander knew more about Spike than anyone else did, as he did about Xander.  Spike knew what made Xander hurt, laugh, get pissed off and the dreams of a promised "one day" that kept Xander going forward every morning.  He felt protective of Xander's heart and his own, making every step a potential minefield that would blow up in both their faces.  He already felt like he had set off enough without making another misstep.  The hard drunk of the night before had done nothing to relieve his emotions.  Adrenaline was rushing through his body with no relief in sight. 

A distant sound broke through the night making them all look up.  Another car was heading for their spot, but it pulled off the road just on the other side of the trees.  The engine cut off just as something clicked in his head.  Spike looked toward Buffy and knew she had already figured it out.  The car belonged to Angel.  He had a classic car too, with a distinct engine sound from the modern cars.  The boy Buffy's heart was set on was out parking with another chick. 

"Should have just eaten everything in the refrigerator," Buffy mumbled.  "I can't even get him to notice me.  Maybe being as big as a cow would at least get him to look at me."

"He's an idiot," Willow said, reaching out to put an arm around Buffy's shoulder.  "Don't let him get to you."

But Spike could see that Angel did get to Buffy.  Big time.  Her beautiful eyes were filling with tears and he could almost hear her heart breaking.  He didn't understand why the big poof got her in such a tangle, but if Angel was what she wanted then he had better pay attention.  The least he could do was to let her down easy if he wasn't going to return her affections. 

An idea came to him.  He grinned as he reached a hand down to Xander.  "Come on, mate.  Let's play."

"Okay," Xander said, returning his smile. 

He allowed Spike to pull him up, but they didn't hesitate as Spike took off at a run.  This was freedom.  This was a return to them as they darted through the field toward where Angel parked.  They were skidding to a halt at the edge of the trees when Spike realized he was still holding Xander's hand.  It felt as right as the moment.  He squeezed it tight before dropping it.

"Got a plan?"  Xander asked.

They crouched down to get a lay of the land.  Yeah, it was Angel parked in his classic convertible with Cordelia in the front seat.  Despite the top being up, they could see that Angel hadn't wasted any time because he was already in a lip lock with Cordelia, which meant they wouldn't notice much but each other.

"Yeah," Spike said, ruffling Xander's hair.  The affection was an added bonus to the camaraderie they shared when they were about to cause trouble.  "You do know about those legends of what happens to lovers parking in the woods right after a local prison break."  He crackled, holding up one hand.  "After a one-handed murderer has been set loose on the innocent township."

"Oh yeah," Xander said, grinning.  He reached into his pocket to pull out his pocketknife.  "It's small but should do the trick as the hook."

It only took a moment for them to put the plan in motion.  Spike dropped to his stomach as he crawled to the rear of the car.  Once he felt that he was safe from view he scrapped the ground with the toe of his boot.  There was no reaction from the two in the car.  He signaled Xander who threw a rock against one of the trees.  It did the trick.

"What was that?"  Spike could hear Cordelia ask through the cracked window. 

"Probably a raccoon or something," Angel said.  "Come back here."

There was a return to silence.  Spike grabbed some leaves, crackling them as loudly as he could, and then he broke a twig in the air right behind the car.  It got their attention again.  Cordelia was insisting that Angel do something.  Angel wasn't going to do it.  He was more concerned about the state of his dick then he was about them being killed because he convinced Cordelia that everything was fine. 

Xander crawled over to Spike.  It was hard to keep a straight face as his friend held up the knife as the piece de résistance. 

"Go for it," Spike whispered, flipping back onto his stomach so he could watch.

Using his elbows to propel him forward, Xander made his way along the side of the car.  Spike sent him a thumb up.  He couldn't wait for this because it was going to be good.  Grinning, he watched Xander scrap the blade along the side of the car and then against the inside of the car handle.  Cordelia screamed bloody murder while Angel started cussing.  It was time to go.  Spike took off running with Xander right behind him.  In front of them, he could see the girls hightailing it back, too.  It seemed they couldn't resist watching the action. 

"You assholes," Angel screamed after them.  "I'm going to beat the shit out of you for this."

Spike was laughing as he stopped with a slam against his car.  It was priceless.  The girls were laughing too.  Xander slid to a stop in front of him, but Spike couldn't help it.  He pulled his friend into his arms.  They were back.  The four friends were together in this moment.  The giggling continued as they heard Angel's car rev up as it hit the road back to town.  They were triumphant and for the moment all was right with the world.

_to__ be continued…_


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The bell rang, making students jump from their seats and scurry from the classroom.  Buffy waited until the class emptied out before following her classmates into the crowded hallway.  Keeping her head low, she slid along the sides of the hallway until she reached her locker.  It was so-far-so-good as she turned the tumblers of the lock.  Sixth period was over and freedom was finally hers.  All she had to do was get off school grounds and she would have successfully made it through another day without a showdown with Angel or his skanky new girlfriend.

"Boo," a voice whispered in her ear, making her jump about two feet.

"Geez Spike," Buffy said, elbowing her friend in the stomach.  "Do you have to scare a girl half to death?"

"Well you were looking a little uptight," Spike said, tickling her with his breath as he continued to talk into her ear.  He massaged her shoulders.  "Feel a little tense, too.  Mr. Baker get on you about French again?"

"No.  I'm trying to avoid Angel," Buffy whispered, still not turning around.  It was a little childish to think that if she couldn't see Angel and Cordelia that they couldn't see her either, but it was all she could manage.  If they wanted to find her, they would.  She wasn't afraid of them.  At least not physically.  If it came down to it, she was pretty confident that she could kick their ass.  She was more worried about her heart, which was already bruised from seeing them together every minute of every day. 

"Oh.  What happened to the big crush?"

"Would you hush?" Buffy yelped, looking around to see if anyone could have heard.  The hallway that was packed with students just a few minutes ago was almost empty now.   She was relieved to realize that it wasn't likely anyone had overheard Spike's blurting of her feelings for Angel.  "I still like him, but after that stunt you pulled, I heard he was after blood."

"Let him be," Spike said.  "He deserved it for toying with your affections."

"Please," Buffy said, slamming her locker shut.  She gave the tumbler a few quick turns to make sure it was locked before she turned around.  "I really don't want everyone talking about it, so can we change the subject?"

"Sure, just as long as you're not feeling scared," Spike said.  He threw an arm around her shoulder.  "Come on.  Let's go find Red and Xander.  "Maybe we can find some other trouble to get into this afternoon."

"No trouble," Buffy said.  "I want to stay on my mom's good side."

"What do you want?"  Spike asked with a laugh. 

"Nothing," Buffy said, leaning into his embrace as they started down the hallway.  "I just want to keep her happy so that I can be happy without her knowing a thing."

"Gotcha."

Spike squeezed her shoulder in support.  It made Buffy feel safe knowing that her friend was there if she needed anything.  Without speaking they headed for the parking lot behind the school where they would meet up with Willow and Xander.  There weren't any definite plans for the rest of the day, but she was sure they would end up doing something even if it was hanging out at her house.  Her mom had gone grocery shopping the night before so there was plenty of food for snacking.  Maybe they could watch a movie or catch up on _Road Rules_.

"Uh oh, stupid bints right ahead," Spike muttered, interrupting her thoughts.

"Oh crap."

Coming right at them was Cordelia and her pack of followers.  All of them dressed in the latest fashions with perfect makeup to fit their perfect lives.  It made Buffy want to hurl. 

"Well, look it's the school vandals," Cordelia said, stopping in front of the pair.  Her minions flanked her.  "What have you misfits destroyed today?"

"Damn it," Buffy said, snapping her fingers.  "Our plan didn't work.  Her mouth is still running."

"Yeah, well, I bet Angel is grateful for that," Spike added with one of his evil grins. 

"Oh, that's really funny," Cordy said.  "Unlike your prank the other night.  Angel was livid about his car."

"It was funny," Buffy retorted.  "You were afraid you were going to get hooked."

"Well, you all are going to get it.  Angel isn't going to let this go," Cordy said.

"Yeah, like right now he's…," one of Cordy's friends started to say until Cordelia grabbed her shoulder.

"He's what right now?"  Spike asked.

It didn't take much for Buffy to figure out what Angel was doing.  If she and Spike were inside the school, it left the weaker two of their group vulnerable. 

"Shit, Xander," Buffy said, knowing she was right when Cordelia lifted one of her brows and shrugged her shoulders.  She knew that while she was avoiding Angel because of the embarrassment she would feel, Xander had been avoiding him because he didn't want to deal with someone else trying to beat him up.  It wasn't fair.  It had been Spike's idea so why wasn't Angel trying to pick on him?

"Come on," Spike yelled, taking off at a run down the hall.

Buffy wasn't far behind even with her heels slowing her down.  The anger she was feeling making her move despite feeling clumsy.  All she could think about was Xander getting hurt.  He didn't fight back which Angel probably knew.  Everyone in the school knew about Xander's Dad.  Despite hoping that Angel wouldn't do anything like pick on someone who was outmatched by his size and ability, she feared it wouldn't make a difference.  Angel needed to take back his pride. 

As soon as Xander looked up to see Angel coming his way, he knew it was the end of a good day.  His stomach sank while his hands twitched with uncertainty as to whether to ball up into fists or remain frozen at his sides.  The frightened little boy under his father's fists wanted to cry while, at the same time, rage at the injustice of someone else wanting to hurt him made him want to meet Angel with fists cocked.  Frozen in indecision, Xander watched the school's hero, and everything he'd never be, approach with a gathering crowd in his wake.  Whatever went down would be seen by the other students, and only add to his reputation as a loser. 

"Let's get out of here," Willow urged.

Xander could feel her hand curl around his arm, gently tugging at him to flee.  He knew if he ran it would only be followed by the sound of students imitating chickens with clucks that would be heard for days.  Swallowing back his fear, Xander dropped his book bag on the ground and stood straighter.  At least being beaten at home insured there was no audience, but here at school he would be surrounded.  Each punch or kick would be followed with taunts.  His stomach tightened as he prepared to deal with whatever was coming next.

"Not running?" Angel said.  He stopped within punching distance of Xander. 

"Not today," Xander said, hoping his voice didn't sound as weak as he felt.  "What do you want?"

"Payback."

"Uh, I think you should direct that to your mother.  She's responsible for that ugly mug, not me."

A few of the kids snickered.  It didn't make Angel laugh.  Xander couldn't believe he could be so stupid as to be a smartass.  Angel didn't need any more reasons to beat the pulp out of him.  He flinched when Angel moved so close that he could smell Angel's breathe which thankfully didn't smell like alcohol.  It was a stupid thought it was the only thing that came to his mind as Angel grabbed his shirtfront and pushed him into Spike's car.  Xander felt Willow stumble since she'd still been holding onto him. 

"Do not ever hurt Willow," Xander yelled, struggling to stand back up.  He threw a wide punch that missed its target, but it felt better than doing nothing.  "She didn't have anything to do with this."

The crowd was chanting, "Fight, fight…"

"She shouldn't be hanging out with such a loser," Angel yelled back as he threw a punch. 

Somehow, Xander got lucky.  He ducked, and then danced out of the way just in time.  Angel's fist connected with the window frame of the Impala.  As he tried to regain his footing, he could hear footsteps running his way.  He knew it was Spike and Buffy.  They were the only two in the school that would be coming to his rescue.  Except he didn't want to be rescued.  Not from Angel.  He would rather go down trying to defend himself, instead of someone else doing it.  Before the others could reach him, Xander drove his shoulder into Angel's midsection taking them both to the ground.  He started pounding away, not caring if he was doing damage. 

"Stop it."

The voice was feminine and very demanding.  It took a second to recognize Cordelia's voice as the one telling them to stop.  He almost laughed, but Angel was tossing him onto his back.  Suddenly, Angel was pulled off of him. 

"Don't," Xander yelled when he saw it was Spike rescuing him.  He rolled onto his knees and then jumped to his feet.  "Let him go."

Cordelia stepped between him and Angel stopping Xander from starting the fight again. 

"Do you want to get kicked out of school?"  Cordelia asked, pointing at Angel.  "You promised to take me to the Winter Formal.  Who would I go with if you're suspended?  The captain of the football team is supposed to take the head cheerleader."  She took a deep breath.  "And I don't want to go with someone who has fading bruises.  The pictures would be horrible."

Everyone laughed.  Xander was too humiliated to find anything funny about it.  Tomorrow he would hear about how Spike rescued him and a girl stopped the fight.  There wasn't anything manly in either thing.  He grabbed his backpack off the ground. 

"Are you okay?"  Willow asked.

"I'm fine," Xander said.  "Did you get hurt?"

"No."  She shook her head.  "Thank you for standing up for me."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"No reason."

"Hey," Buffy said.  "You were really throwing some fists around.  I'm proud of you."

"Yeah, until Spike decided he had to rescue me."

"I didn't," Spike said, stepping into the group.  "Just wanted to make sure there was enough left for me."

Xander was furious.  At himself, Angel, the world and especially at Spike. 

"Bullshit.  You decided to play hero," Xander spat.  "I don't need you to take care of me."

"I wasn't trying to take care of you," Spike protested.

But Xander could tell he was lying.  The truth was in his friend's eyes.  That Spike felt that Xander was weak.  Weak because he wouldn't stand up to his father's rampages.  Weak because he always tried to use humor to avoid conflict.  Weak because he loved Spike. 

There would never be a conversation between them about who would bottom in their relationship.  It was already obvious that Spike was the more masculine between the two.  Although Xander knew in his heart it was what he wanted too, it infuriated him that Spike would feel this way about him.  It wasn't without justification, but he hated for others to have the same thoughts about him as he did.  Most of all Xander hated that he wanted to be pulled close to Spike's body and told everything was going to be all right.   

The inner fight between the man and the frightened boy was driving him crazy.  Tears burned his eyes as he fought those, too.  There wasn't much he could do to save face at this point.  His friends were staring at him, unsure of what to do, afraid they were going to set him off.  He laughed.  It wouldn't take much. 

"You okay?"  Buffy asked. 

"Yeah, another headliner day in my life," Xander said, pushing back the hair from his face.  Or that was what he wanted them to see instead of them seeing him checking to see if he was crying or if there was sweat on his cheeks. 

Suddenly he was being hugged.  He already knew it was Buffy.  He didn't want her touch.  He wanted to hold onto the rage that was still coursing through him.  It kept him strong.  Stronger than the helplessness filling his soul.  The rage told him to push her away, as hard as he could, to tell her and Spike to go to hell, that he didn't want their sympathy, and their friendship that he so desperately needed to stay sane. 

A sob, muffled against his shirt, melted him.  With one last fight to stay where he was, he pulled Buffy close.  It couldn't be a good day for her either.  Not with the boy she wanted to love already making plans with another girl for one of the biggest dances of the year, and then having to watch Angel attack him.  It had to have hurt her to choose between the two of them in the fight.  Even if knew in his heart that she would always choose him.  She was loyal to the end. 

"I'm sorry, Buffster," Xander whispered. 

"Not your fault," Buffy said.  "I'm stupid for liking him." 

"No, he's stupid for not seeing what a great girl you are," Xander said.  He sighed as he looked up, knowing he was guilty of Angel's crime.  He stared into blue eyes.  "Sorry Spike."

"It's okay."

It wasn't okay.  One day Spike might not take another sorry from him.  Xander wondered what he would do when that day came.

_to be continued…_


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Nothing was calming him down.  Spike shifted in the big easy chair in Buffy's living room.  Everyone else was chilling out watching MTV and filling up on sodas and chips, but he couldn't bring himself to join them.  Instead, Xander's words of being able to defend himself kept replaying in his mind.  Defending his friends was natural to Spike.  It didn't mean he thought Xander was incapable.  Then he sighed.  That wasn't true because he _didn't_ think Xander was capable.  If he was, wouldn't he have punched his dad's lights out a long time ago?

"You got any hot chocolate?" Spike asked, trying to stop thinking about things he couldn't change.  When he was younger, his mother would make him hot chocolate when the world was being cruel.  At seventeen, the beverage was still his ultimate comfort food.  He stood before getting an answer.  If he knew Mrs. Summers, there was some in the kitchen.

"Yeah, in the pantry," Buffy replied, without even looking up. 

"Thanks," Spike said, already heading for the kitchen. 

Everything he needed was easy to find.  He was lost in watching the mug turn in circles inside the microwave when he heard someone walk into the kitchen.  It wasn't hard to figure out who it was, but he looked over his shoulder anyway.  Unsure of where he stood with his friend, he waited for Xander to say something first.  Spike turned back to the microwave. 

"What's up?"  Spike asked, when it was apparent that Xander wasn't going to say anything.

"Hey, I just wanted to say I was sorry again for what I said."

"It's not a big deal."  Shrugging his shoulders, he didn't even turn around.  Spike didn't think Xander was really sorry.  Xander was probably more scared that Spike would give up on him.  Which meant Xander would be really alone.  It's not what Xander wanted despite what he said about being able to take care of himself. 

"Come on, Spike, don't be mad at me," Xander said.

The pleading in Xander's voice hurt.  Spike hung his head as he realized the truth.  He could never reject Xander.  Somewhere in all this mess, he had made a commitment to see it through. 

"Please," Xander whispered.

Lost in his own surprising comprehension of their relationship, the unexpected hand on his shoulder startled him.  He spun, unintentionally pushing Xander back.  Xander tried to hide it this time, but Spike could still see the flinch on Xander's face.   Rage at the unfairness of their lives swelled up inside of him.  Balling up his fists, Spike turned away. 

"Damn it, man, I wouldn't hurt you."  Needing to relieve some of overwhelming frustration, he pounded on the counter.  "I hate this.  All of this shit.  I don't know how to act around you anymore."

"Why don't you just leave?"

"Because I love you," Spike yelled, turning to face Xander.  The words hung between them.  He felt staggered under the weight of his words.  From the astonishment on Xander's face, the feeling was mutual.   He wished they were alone.  Except they weren't.  Even as he finished he heard the girls running toward the kitchen to see what was up.  "Go away."  Silence.  "Buffy – Red, go."

"Fine," Buffy said, and then there was the sound of them stomping away.  Well, Buffy anyway.  Willow probably just slipped away.  It didn't matter how, just that they were gone.

Spike ran a hand through his hair before daring to look up into Xander's eyes.  "Say something, because I'm feeling a bit out in the cold at the moment."

The microwave beeped in the silence.

"Your milk is ready," Xander said, with a nervous chuckle. 

"I don't care," Spike spat.  He stuck a finger in Xander's face.  "You started all of this.  You changed my life and now I tell you things…acting like some girl and you make jokes.  "

Xander took a step back, wiping a hand over his face.  Why couldn't he say something?  Spike would take anything by this time.  Something to calm the storm raging inside of him.  Maybe Xander didn't feel the same.  He pulled the mug from the microwave, staring down at the hot chocolate he thought would comfort him.  It was a joke.  Just like everything else.  Unable to take it anymore, Spike hurled the mug across the kitchen.  Even thought he hadn't thrown it in Xander's direction, his friend covered his face with his hands.

"Damn it, it's me.  Not your father."

Spike didn't know if Xander even could tell by this time.  Xander wrapped his arms around himself, sliding to the floor as a sob finally broke the silence.  The distance between them grew wider as Xander hid his face in the crook of his arms.

"Stop it," Spike dropped to his knees.  He tried to pull Xander's arms apart.  It didn't work.  Xander wouldn't budge.  "You're not being fair.  I'm bloody pissed off.  Why won't you fight me?"

"Because I'm a fucking coward."

"Damn it, Xander, I'm not going to hurt you."  No response.  He didn't want Xander to be afraid of him, but his friend was making him feel like a bully.  Spike stroked Xander's hair hoping somehow that Xander would respond.  "You do know that, don't you?"

"I know.  I'm sorry."

It was pathetic.  Spike couldn't help it.  He laughed at the absurdity of the whole situation.  His anger was gone just as quickly as it had arrived.  Xander really did believe the worst of himself.  His father had beaten any self-esteem right out of Xander.  It wasn't that he wasn't capable of fighting back.  He didn't believe he was good enough to tell people when to fuck off or to raise his fists in his own defense.  Spike felt his heart break.  Spreading his thighs, he scooted closer until Xander was between them.  "Quit saying you're sorry.  Not to me."

"I'm afraid that one day you won't want to put up with me anymore," Xander mumbled.  "Even you know what a loser I am."

"You're not," Spike said.  "Not to me."

"You'll get tired of me."

"Come here, pet," Spike said, cupping Xander's face.  "Look at me.  I've already said it…I love you.  I'm not taking it back."

"You sure," Xander's eyes were filled with so much hope.

"Yeah."

Xander ran his fingers along Spike's jaw sending shivers down Spike's back.  It felt good.  Honest.  And very real.  He smiled, leaning forward, hoping that Xander wouldn't back away this time.  Send him packing.  Relief flooded him when Xander didn't.  Their lips met for the first time in a mutual want.  They both froze, laughed, but after a meeting of eyes with consent from both, they met in the middle. 

It was amazing.  Of all the times that Spike had kissed a girl, it never felt like this.  Hot. Cold.  Safe.  Dangerous.  The beginning and end of his world.  Like free falling through the universe.  Spike deepened the kiss, letting his tongue explore the inside of Xander's mouth.  Thoughts ran through his mind telling him this was weird.  He was a freak for kissing a guy.  For being so damn turned on by his best friend.  His cock was hard just from kissing.  He tried to tell himself that it was just teenage horniness, but that was a lie.  His heart told him something different.

As he slipped his hand behind Xander's head to hold him still, he realized his problem was that he thought too damn much.  He tangled his tongue around Xander's, playing, teasing with him.  Only when he felt Xander withdraw, stop playing, did he remember that Xander was a virgin.  And one with not that much experience.  He tried to pull back but Xander pressed his lips to his again.

Smiling in spite of himself, Spike returned to kissing his friend.  Letting the pleasure sweep through his body.  There was a sound in the distance, somewhere outside his conscious, a thud.  He ignored it.  A short while before he couldn't have believed he could ever feel this good.  He was lost in the timid touch of Xander's caresses, and the mouth kissing him with raw passion.  Spike cursed his stupidity when the back door opened and Buffy's mother walked in.

"Shit," Spike muttered, as he untangled himself and pushed himself to his feet.  He reached down, cradling Xander's elbow as he helped his friend to his feet.  They stood there.  Waiting for something to happen.  Maybe for the world to explode in their faces, but it seemed that neither could move.  All they could do was stand there.

Mrs. Summers was staring at them, openmouthed, sweeping from one to the other and from head to toe.  It was the last sweep that made Spike utter another curse.  He pulled his t-shirt from his waistband, pushing it down to cover his erection, needing some sort of protection even if it was only for his pride.  Everything was in the open.  A parent knew and it scared him to death.

"Go Xander," Spike muttered.  Xander was shaking, blushing and it was obvious he was terrified that his father would find out.  "Go in the living room.  I'll talk to her."

"Told you that I don't need your help," Xander said, but his voice cracked.

"It's okay, boys," Mrs. Summers said.  She stepped further in the room, putting grocery bags on the island.  Rubbing her forehead first, it took her a moment to face them again.  "I've suspected for a long time."

"Mom.  Oh my god.  Mom, you're home," Buffy squeaked from the archway leading into the dining room.

"Mrs. Summers.  You're early," Willow said.  "It's not that we're not glad to see you, but it's early.  Way early.  I mean for you to be home."  She stepped back.  "Time for me to shut up."

"We were just playing a game," Buffy said.  She waved her hands.  "You know truth or dare…the guys were…"

"Calm down," Mrs. Summers said, holding her hand up.  She took a deep breath.  "It's okay.  You don't have to explain.  I'm not going to 'freak out' as you would say."

"Are you going to tell my dad?"

"No!  God no!  I would never do that."

The concern on her face showed she was telling the truth.  Spike watched as she went to Xander. 

"You're safe here," Mrs. Summers said, cupping Xander's face so that he would look at her.

Spike wanted to call her a hypocrite, but he wouldn't.  Not when Xander needed to believe in her promise so much.  He leaned back against the counter, wishing for a cigarette, and wishing he was somewhere besides there.  Somewhere besides stuck in the life they were living.  Reality was crashing back like a thundering herd against the soft dirt of the prairie.  They were in trouble.  They were only kids living in a world that was against them. 

"Buffy, why don't you take your friends back in the living room," Mrs. Summers said. 

Buffy only nodded.  She didn't wait for them to follow her.  They were dismissed.  Xander glanced at Spike, but didn't stay, he hurried after the girls.  Obviously relieved in his belief that Mrs. Summers was on their side.  Spike wished he could believe.  He took a step to follow his friends, but then felt a hand on his arm.

"Stay."

"Why? So you can tell me that you understand?"  Spike tried never to be disrespectful to Buffy's mother.  Most of the time she was cool with them and her house was one place besides his own the four friends could be comfortable.  Except this was the first time, they had ever allowed Mrs. Summers so far into their lives before.   

"Maybe I do understand."

Needing something to do, Spike grabbed some paper towels so he could clean up his mess.  He told himself that it had nothing to do with still respecting Mrs. Summers, and definitely nothing to do with the tiny spark of hope that she wouldn't betray them.  While he was cleaning, he saw Mrs. Summers putting the groceries away.  It was as if she was waiting.  Waiting for him to reply to her statement.  He couldn't tell her that he trusted her, because he wasn't sure he did.  In the end, he asked the question that was most important to him.

"Why haven't you ever tried to help Xander?"

Her hand, holding a can of peaches, froze halfway to the cabinet.  She bowed her head as she put the can down on the counter.  Without a glance at him, she sat on one of the stools at the island.  Spike was surprised to see that she was trembling and had tears in her eyes.

"What makes you think that I haven't tried?"  She asked, looking up at him.

"Because he's still living with the bastard," Spike said, dropping the towels and broken ceramic into the trash.

She laughed.  Not a big happy laugh of joy, but one brought about by disillusionment.  Her hand wiped at her cheek taking a trail of tears away.

"I called social services.  A couple of times.  They took the report, went to Xander's house, and left without Xander."

"Why?  I don't understand," Spike said, sitting next to Mrs. Summers.  He was surprised when she took his hand. 

"He's terrorized them so much that neither will say anything against him to the authorities.  Especially with him standing there."

"Fuck."

"Spike, you need to understand that Sunnydale is a small town.  There are no secrets here."  She paused.  "After the second call I made, Mr. Harris called here."

"He threatened you!  That fucking wanker."

"Watch your language," Mrs. Summers said, but she was laughing.  She patted his hand as she became serious again.  "I'm a single woman with a daughter living alone in this big house.  Your mother is single, too.  All I could do, all we could do, was give Xander a safe place to hang out.  To support the friendship between you four as much as we could.  It's not enough, but it's all that we could do, and now keep your secret.  I promise you that I would never let Mr. Harris know what I saw today."

Tears were choking him so Spike could only squeeze her hand in return.  "I believe you.  Thank you."

Maybe they weren't so alone.  He covered his face with his free hand as he let his emotions go.  It was crazy.  He was relieved that Buffy's mom, and even his mother, was on their side.  That maybe they weren't so blind to their troubles.  Yet this didn't reassure him any.  Their hands were just as tied as his were and his friends were caught in the whole mess. 

Life really was a bitch. 

_to__ be continued_…


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Spike was the first out the door of the classroom when the bell rang.  All the way through his English class, there was only one thing on his mind.

Only one thing he needed. 

To get his horny mitts on his friend, Xander. 

Hoping to avoid any distractions, Spike put his head down and made a beeline for the other boy's locker.  It was their lunch period, but Spike wanted to reach him before Xander got to the cafeteria.  Relief flooded his over sensitized body when he saw Xander still standing at his locker.  Spike grinned, despite the girls being there, because he doubted they would care if he stole Xan away.

"Hey," Spike said, sliding to a stop beside his friends.

"Hi," Buffy said. 

"Hey," Willow said, with a wave her hand. 

With the polite rules taken care of, Spike turned his attention to Xander.

"Hello," Xander said, looking at him from under his lashes, well one anyway, because his hair was flopping over one eye again.  It made Spike ache to be able to touch Xander right away.  Not wanting any distractions, Spike shoved his books on top of Xander's in the locker, and then slammed the door shut.

"What are you doing?"  Xander asked, with a dramatic hand flourish and stepped back.  "You almost got my hands."

"Bullshit," Spike whispered, but looked at said hands for a second.  He stepped closer to Xander to whisper, "You want me to kiss them and make them better?"

"What are you up to?"  Willow asked.  "Are you going to get into trouble?  Because right now, we're in a trouble-free zone, and need to stay that way for a few days.  I can't take much more of the trouble."

"I think they're looking for a different kind of trouble," Buffy said in a breathless voice.  "The kind of trouble meant for two."

"Give the lady a kewpie doll," Spike said, touching the end of Buffy's nose with his finger. 

"Oh, oh!"  Willow said, turning bright red.  "Buffy maybe we need to get to the cafeteria."

"Give us a few," Spike said.  "We'll be in the lunch room in a second."  Xander was grinning.  "Oh, and grab us some food?  Please.  I'm thinking we'll work up an appetite."

Buffy rolled her eyes.  "Yeah, fine, and hey, like I have extra money to buy you two bottomless pits some food?"

Knowing he was going to regret it, but right now with only one thing was on his mind, he gave into temptation and tossed his wallet toward Buffy.  Her eyes grew wide as she caught it.  He had to admit she was cute even with her mouth hanging open, but scary as it turned to grin.  Yeah, nothing was going to be sacred.  Not in Buffy's hands.  Deciding it was worth it, if only he could get Xander alone.

"Come on, mate," Spike said, taking off down the hallway toward the science lab.  It was always empty at this time.

"Right behind you," Xander said. 

"Hey no problem," Buffy called after them with a little more sarcasm than usual.  "I'm more than happy to do your bidding."

Spike ignored her, figuring he could deal with it later, as he turned into the classroom.  He looked around to make sure they were alone.  They were and when Xander was inside with him, Spike shut the door.

"Did you want something?"  Xander asked even as Spike was backing him up against the wall.  Except he was laughing as he asked, and he was going very willingly where Spike was directing. 

"Yeah," Spike said, pressing his lips to his friend's mouth.  This was what he'd been wanting since leaving Buffy's yesterday.  Throughout the night, those few moments of making out with Xander in the kitchen kept playing in his head until he had to jerk himself off just so he could get some sleep. 

Since he talked to Joyce the day before, everything seemed to be going their way.  No beatings, or fights, or misunderstandings as they went through one of the few good days they'd had in a long time.  The exhilaration of being in what Willow termed the trouble-free zone was what gave him the courage to pull this stunt.  He just hoped that there wouldn't be any consequences from following through on his intense, flesh aching need for Xander.

Xander was hanging onto Spike's hips with fingers pressing hard into his ass.  It felt so good to be held with such strength.  Not some dainty hand that never left bruises like he was sure Xander was leaving.  It only fed his desire as Spike ate hungrily from the hottest mouth he'd ever known.  There was no hesitancy as Xander kissed him back even when he faltered at Spike's teasing tongue, but somehow Xander kept up, sometimes improvising so well that Spike wanted to beg for more.  Driving his fingers through Xander's hair, not caring they were banging teeth because he was driving them so close together. 

With his whole body vibrating with need, Spike pulled back, just enough to whisper, "I want to fuck you so bad."

"Me too," Xander whispered, with a groan.  "I've wanted you for so long.  I can't believe you're with me."

The confession made Spike need to read Xander's expression.  The passionate glaze written on his face overrode any fear lingering in those brown eyes.  The soft panting wafting over his face and the hard cock pressed against his own.  It all equaled love even if Xander hadn't told him yet.  Knowing that this could go too far too fast, Spike leaned back into his lover's arms so that they could get control over themselves.

"Damn," Spike said.  "Don't tell a bloke something like that when we can't do anything about it."

"Maybe…"

"No.  Not here.  Not for the first time," Spike said, into Xander's neck.  He kissed the curve.  "I know you're a virgin and when I take you, we're not going to hurry.  Understand?"

"Yeah, I'd like that."  Xander kissed his shoulder and then trailed his tongue up to Spike's ear before calling his name.  "Spike?"

"Hmm?"

"I know you've been with girls, but have you ever been with a guy?  You said that you hadn't considered it."

"I haven't."  Spike stepped back, taking a deep breath while willing his cock to go soft again. His hands lingered on Xander's sides.  "Why do you ask?"

Xander laughed, blushing as he looked somewhere over Spike's shoulder.  "I don't know.  Something about you 'taking' me sounds like you knew what you were doing and well, I've never done it.  Anything.  Except what you know me doing."

"We'll figure it out." Spike gave an evil grin along with a wink.  "I can always ask Buffy.  She should know enough from watching Queer as Folk."

Xander choked.  "You're not going to ask Buffy.  No way."  

"I was just teasing mate." He shrugged.  "The first time I was with a girl, I figured it out.  Can't be that hard to figure out what goes where with two guys."

"Maybe I want to take you, too, or instead."  Xander crossed his arms and gave him a hard look.

Spike had never considered that.  It made him want to clench his butt cheeks closed in terror of any invasion going the wrong way.  It also made him realize that Xander was probably thinking the same way or at least scared of what sounded like it might be painful.  Xander didn't want to be thought of as a nancy boy or weak so Spike's automatic assumption of who went where probably didn't set well.  It was decision time, and he knew there was only one to make if he wanted to keep not only this relationship but also the happy mood of the day.

"Okay," Spike said, swallowing back his pride and fears.  He forced himself to look directly into Xander's eyes.  "If that's what you want then I want you to be happy."

It was the right thing.  Spike patted himself on the back as he saw Xander relax.  The next thing he knew Xander was kissing him again.  Quick and hard, but it felt good that Xander was taking the lead.  Spike grinned.

"We probably need to catch up with the girls," Xander said, with obvious reluctance for the very thing he suggested.

"Yeah," Spike said, wondering if the thought of bottoming was the world's way of telling him that he really wasn't gay and his feelings for Xander were just a fluke.  That there would never be another man who would turn on his body and heart like Xander did.  He didn't know the answer but his good mood was gone.  Xander, though, seemed happy enough as they made their way back into the cafeteria. 

It didn't take long to locate the girls sitting at a table by the window.  Spike slid into the seat next to Willow and kissed her cheek just because. 

"Hi," he said, forcing himself back into the trouble-free zone for them. 

"Hey," Willow said.  She waved a hand at the two plates of food in the middle of the table.  "We got you both some spaghetti.  Nothing looked too good today."

"Does it ever?"  Xander asked, pulling a plate toward him.  After taking a few bites, he looked up to say, "Thanks Spike."

"Yeah, thanks," Buffy said, wearing a smug smile.  "I never knew your middle name before…Eugene."

"Eugene?"  Xander choked as he laughed.  "You've got to be kidding me?"

"I wouldn't talk…LaVelle," Spike retorted.  He turned to stare at Buffy.  He didn't say anything, just propped his chin on his palm as he refused to look away from her. 

She stared back at him but then seemed to get uncomfortable as she twirled her hair, ate a bite of food, and then took a sip of her milk.  "What?"  She asked, throwing her hands out.  "You gave me your wallet so stop trying to intimidate me."

"It is rather creepy," Willow said.  She pushed his plate toward him.  "You should eat your lunch.  There isn't much time left until the bell rings."

"Come on, Spike, stop," Buffy said, squirming under his gaze.  "I promise your name will never leave this table."

"On the price of what?"

"Nothing.  It isn't worth it.  If you don't like your middle name then talk to your mom," she said, putting her bag on her shoulder.  "I'm going ahead to my locker.  I'll see you guys after school."  She leaned over to stage whisper in Spike's ear.  "See ya later, Eugenie."

"You will pay," Spike yelped as she walked away.  "Believe me, Miss Buffy; you're going to get it."  It was then that he remembered and yelled, "Hey, where's my wallet?"

Smiling to herself, Buffy kept walking, but as she exited the cafeteria, she waved her hand in the air to let Spike know she'd heard him, but was ignoring him.  She probably should have left the stupid wallet with Spike, but she needed to get away from them before she lost it. 

"Stupid boys," she muttered under her breath.  "They didn't even notice my new hairdo."

It wasn't that she was upset that she wasn't the center of their world.  Or even that she wasn't happy that things were going their way for once.  No, she was very happy for them.  It's just that she was hurting and she had to pretend she wasn't.  If they knew how upset she was then they would pay attention to her.  To make sure she was all right and her friends didn't deserve to be played like that.  The boys were finally having fun in their relationship and poor Willow had never had a boyfriend so Buffy was determined to keep her misery to herself.

She turned the corner, almost stumbling over her feet when she saw Angel laughing with some of his friends.  The big dope was another one that would never know the truth of her inner misery so she threw on her carefree face.  Not looking at any of them, Buffy tossed her hair as she passed them on the way to her locker.  All she had to do was grab the books for her last couple of classes and she could make her escape.  Just as she opened her bag, a shadow fell over her.  She froze hoping it wasn't Principal Snyder stopping by to give her a hard time again, but then she realized it was Angel leaning against the lockers.  Relieved it was him instead of trouble, Buffy relaxed but only a small bit.  Angel made her nervous just because she wanted him to notice her so bad.

"Hi," she said, telling herself it was only to be sociable.  Nothing more then trying not to cause a scene.

"Hello Buffy."

"Did you need something?"  Buffy flashed him a smile before trading out her books.  "Or were you here to try to beat up a girl?  You know because I am alone and defenseless."

"Ooh, does poor Xander know you think he's defenseless?"

"Uh," Buffy tapped her cheek.  "If I do remember yesterday's events correctly," she poked Angel's chest.  "It was you on the ground getting pummeled by Xander.  Not the other way around."

She was surprised when Angel laughed. 

"I like that about you Buffy.  You always stand up for your friends."

"Envious because you don't have anyone like that in your life?"  She slammed her locker shut and fastened the lock.  "Maybe you need to stop being such a…"

Angel grabbed her hand.  He wrapped his fingers around it until her smaller one almost disappeared in the largeness of his.  "Down, girl," he said with no trace of a smile left.  His fingers traced the back of her hand in sweet caresses that she felt in her suddenly weak knees.  "I didn't come over to start a fight."

"What did you come over for?"  Buffy asked, glancing up and down the deserted hallway.  No one was seeing this.  No one would believe that Angel was being nice to her. 

"In the last couple of days it's been hard not to notice you.  The Bronze, the damage to my car and you're always there with your friends, loyal and sticking up for them.  You're spunky, Buffy.  I like it."

"Thank you," Buffy said, swallowing hard.  She prayed he was telling the truth.  She would give almost anything she had to make this moment real.  Her heart was already quivering in anticipation of pain.  She didn't like being on this end of the game. 

"Hey, I was wondering if you would like to go out with me on Friday," Angel said.  "Nothing fancy but we could go out to dinner and maybe a movie."

"A date?"

"Yeah, a date," Angel said.  "You and me?"

Unsure of what was causing his sudden change of heart, Buffy looked into his eyes hoping to see a flashing neon light telling her what his true feelings were.  She didn't see anything helpful, but this was what she'd been waiting for, whining about, and dreaming about, so she decided to take a chance. 

"Okay.  Friday," she agreed before she could talk herself out of taking this opportunity.

"Great," Angel said, with a smile.  He gave her hand a squeeze before letting go.  "I can't wait." 

Buffy watched him walk away while wondering what caused his sudden change of heart.  After yesterday's fight, and Angel's humiliation she had a sneaky suspicion she'd just been set up to take a fall.  Yet her heart was screaming in excitement over the boy finally asking her out.  The bell rang and she hurried to her next class, wishing the day were over so she could talk to Willow.  Together they would figure it out like they always did.

_to__ be continued…_


End file.
